Out of Gas

Out of Gas

Cherish.  Beloved.  Shattered.  Broken.  Wasted.  I started with good intentions to write a Valentine note all about love.  But I can think of only the broken vows, the shattered dreams, the wasted time that I feel like I am drifting along.  My life feels meaningless.  I drift toward nothing.  The lonely ache in my chest just gets wider and wider deeper and deeper.  I wait.  I wait on a miracle that I am promised because He said nothing will be left unredeemed.  It’s hard to sing about His promises when you feel broken, shattered, and bitter!

As I swept the church after the funeral on Saturday all I could think of was this would have been something Danny and I would’ve done, together.  God it has been 18 months and my life is no where!  Then I hear that still small voice, “But you never know the miracle the Father has in store!”

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

You know me; I always tell what’s on my heart.  That’s just who I am.  It all comes out.  My curse I guess, but I hate telling how broken and empty I am.  I hate to see it on paper.  It’s a reminder to me of how I let the devil infiltrate and penetrate my life.  And I don’t like it. But that’s where I am.  My life is broken and it’s all over the place.  I have no control over any of it (except the color of my hair!).  And as hard as it is I know…I know…I am not staying here.  I have been up before and I am going again.  I am going to that mountain top that God has promised me.  Where He held out His hand and helped me climb up.  I know He is with me now in my brokenness because He is the one wiping my tears.  He is the one who gives me that loving embrace time after tie.  I read that our trials make us stronger and that’s when we grow.  While I am here in this ditch, I am tired of growing and I am so tired of being strong.  I am tired of smiling though the tears when someone asks if I am OK because they don’t really want to hear the truth.  My heart breaks every day.  I cry every day, the morning, the afternoon, the night.  I cry for my loss.  I cry for others; my patients, my neighbors, my friends, friends I used to have but no longer do.  I cry for what the devil has tore apart and lies yet unredeemed.  I know the Bible tells me it will all be redeemed one day, but while we are here on earth in this crazy mixed up world, how do we go every day all day long.  It hurts.

1 John 3:18 (GW)

¹⁸ Dear children, we must show love through actions that are sincere, not through empty words.

In the words of Joel Osteen, “Even when nothing good has happened, believe that it’s going to turn around, God has done it for you in the past.  He’ll do it for you again.  Be a prisoner of hope.”

I know God will not leave all my mess unredeemed.

But sometimes you need a little help. 

“Sometimes we need a little help to get pulled out of the muck!”                  Ryan Longenette

And that’s where I am.  Stuck in the muck.  As bad as this day started after getting to church things changed.  But on my way to church I had a problem.  And I can share this with you because you are my friends.  Shoot, some of you may have been in this same predicament.  On Friday evening I was late leaving work.  I knew I was going to be late for the wake and services of Nance Helmick so I ignored the gas light that came on telling me, warning me, to get gas.  I thought to myself, in the morning.  The morning came.  I went up to the church to practice a song but no, I passed that gas station without stopping.  Then it was time for the funeral, I was late.  So no I didn’t stop.  Knowing I was low on gas, I asked a friend if I could ride to the cemetery with them.  So when I got back I was tired emotionally tired, not in the mood to get gas.  Well at 9pm that night I went back to the church to print bulletins, sweep up, things like that.  Before I knew it, it was after 10.  Gas station closed.  So Sunday morning, late again.  Didn’t stop.  And as I was driving I had this weird feeling as the car started to sputter that I wasn’t going to make it.  Now in all of my married life there were only 2 things that really irritated Danny about me.  Yeah, only 2 things.  I know you guys are shaking your head.  Anyway the 2 things were #1 being late, #2 having a gas gauge read below ½ tank.  Infuriated him.  So I am thinking he is sitting up there next to God saying, I told her so I told her so!  So I prayed, “Lord just get me to the church on time!”  End of prayer.  I made it!  Prayer answered.  I was blessed during church.  I sang my song and I know God was there.  I could feel Him.  So I went to start my car, but it didn’t want to start.  I should have left it but NO I had to try it one more time and it started.  I got about 2 miles down the road and that was it.  Not even a mile from the gas station.  So I managed to coast to the side of the road.  Got out and started walking.  I immediately thought, you got what you prayed for!  Why didn’t I pray to get to church AND home!  Pastor Vince and Michelle were right behind me, gave me a lift home.  Then here came Quinton to offer to help me out.  But I let Jacob and Garrett fix my mess.  But here were those friends helping to pull me out of the much that I am stuck in.  And yes, sometimes our muck is self inflicted, other times not.  God works in funny ways.  He uses people, people that we would never imagine.  He takes situations to teach us a lesson.

In my life I can say my gas light came on during the holidays starting around Thanksgiving.  I did have plenty notice.  I knew I needed to refuel.  And I tried.  I went to church sat there and listened soaked it up.  But every now and then I started to sputter; I knew it was getting low.  The weather turned bad, church was cancelled.  I didn’t reach out I just let emotions and memories engulf me.  And before I knew it I was stranded along the side of the road.  Out of gas.  And just like Sunday I had friends there to offer me a hand to pull me up out of the muck.  But in some instances they don’t know you need help unless you ask.  I am not always good at that.  I figure people have their own issues in life, their own problems, why do I need to add anymore?  But I am finding out that my strength is coming when I help someone else.  If I can offer a kind word, a shoulder to cry on, a hand out of the muck it takes my pain.  His strength is perfect when our strength is gone!  When we strengthen others; that is Christ working in us.  We can’t go wrong by helping someone.  If all we have is a smile, give it.  Jacob and Garrett fixed my gas problem.  All that took was a trip to Dawson gas station.  My other fuel problem is a little trickier but as the lyrics go to that old song we used to sing, “I get by with a little help from my friends”.  That’s how I am refueling.  Oh and of courses God!  So if there is one thing I learned it’s this; don’t run out of gas!  But more importantly don’t ignore the gas light when it comes on.

Acts 1:8 (NIV)

⁸ But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

The last time I checked in order to get to all those places, you need a full tank of gas!  Your physical tank and your spiritual tank.