Shine

Last Tuesday when I went for my walk the sun was shining so gloriously and it felt warm, actually warm.  Marley always goes with me but my little Puggle is always confined to the yard, shocking collar.  But today I said come on!  Let’s live a little.  He sniffed and peed on everything, everywhere.  On our way back is when he caught the scent of a rabbit.  I of course tried to discourage what I knew was coming but it didn’t work.  He went straight for the neck.  So I decided I wasn’t going to watch and went on my way.  Five minutes later here comes Bear trotting along beside me with his head held high and that rabbit clenched between his teeth hanging down practically dragging the ground.  Bear was so proud of that. He got far enough ahead of me and then dropped it in the snow.  He actually looked as if he was smiling.  Then as we reached home, he stopped right at the door, with the bunny in his mouth.  Well that didn’t happen.

Danny and Bear had a special relationship.  Bear was the guard dog; I guess that was the beagle in him.  He was very protective of his people.  And if you know anything about Puggles you know they are a one person dog.  They latch on to one and they follow that person everywhere.  Well I was Bears person, but when Danny got sick I think Bear knew that.  He stayed very close to him.  He would lay on the couch right beside his recliner just to watch him.  Every night in bed Bear would jump up and make his way right beside Danny’s hand, even when he was so sick he couldn’t raise his hand, he did it for Bear.  Danny scratched Bears chest every night.  That was what he wanted.  He wouldn’t go to sleep until that was done.  As the cancer progressed I tried to shoo Bear off the bed but Danny always would say, it’s ok I can do it.  Then Bear would snuggle up to him.  After Danny died Bear would lay right on his side of the bed where the pillow was.  He did that for a while then he returned to my side.  Snuggled with me.  Saturday night Bear didn’t come in.  Sunday after church, still no Bear.  Then folks told me what my gut already knew…Little Bear had been hit on the interstate.  He could sniff out road kill for miles!  But I take the blame for Bears demise.  I didn’t put his collar back on him.  The day we walked he looked so happy to go just beyond his usual boundary and Marley always seemed to make it without any problems.  So I let him wander and roam just a bit.  I let him live a little.  That proud trot of his as he passed me on Tuesday with the rabbit hanging down on both sides will be forever what I remember.  His almost smiling face, that’s what I will remember. 

I am discovering, albeit the hard way, some things about life.  I try to keep everything in my grasp reined in; my kids, my job, career, friendships, relationships. With just enough control that I know what will happen at any given moment.  I am almost afraid to let anything “live”.  For fear of the inevitable, just like with Bear.  If I let it out from under my thumb where I have control, something is going to happen to it.  Yes it could flourish, grow, and laugh, live but then again it can die!  How does a person learn to let go enough so that they can live, laugh, and love? I haven’t figured that one out yet.  As you can see my choice with Bear resulted in death.  All I can think of now is Bear is in Heaven with Danny.  That’s my happy thought.

“Our few moments on earth are like the pop of a flashbulb compared to eternity.  Be comforted; our separation is short; our reunion is eternal.”                           David Jeremiah

Have you ever thought of your impact you are leaving on the world?  How many of you have turned on that light switch only for the bulb to go out?  Our time here seems long, especially when we are in trials and hard times, but in reality, we are all a bunch of popping light bulbs!  We could almost be like blinking stars.  Here one second burnt out the next.  As I struggle through my life, it’s dark. Some days are darker than others.  Some days I have no light to guide me and other days there is a ray of light or just a hint of sunshine.  When our path is dark we need to learn to be like the sun high in the sky and shine.  We know the sun is shining no matter what.  Often times clouds get in the way so that it appears the sun isn’t shining, but it is still just as bright.  Sometimes the wind blows causing the sun not to feel so bright or warm.  When the rain falls does the sun still shine?  When the snow blows does the sun still sit in the Heavens?  Yes, it’s there.  So we need to be the light, no matter what weather or storm comes our way, we need to shine.  Some days when I get out of bed and that cloud is hanging over me I know there is sunshine waiting on me somewhere, I just have to find it.  Sometimes it’s that co-worker that is shining bright just for me, even though they don’t have a clue! Sometimes it is that patient that I may only get 5 minutes with, but they are shining, just for me.  I soak it up and feel the warmth. 

“Faith is seeing light with your heart, when your eyes see only darkness”    unknown

I can remember my dad talking about going underground as a coalminer and how dark it is there.  PITCH black.  But the longer you were there; your eyes became accustomed to the dark.  That’s kind of like us in our daily walk.  It’s like we are underground and our eyes are becoming used to the dark.  We are learning how to see without the light.  A friend told me the other night then when you are traveling your dark path you sometimes just have to flip that switch really quick-on and off-check the path you’re on and continue.

Psalm 119:133 Gods word brings direction and shows us what to do

That’s our light switch.  In the ideal perfect world we would leave that light on all the time.  But in reality, we get busy, we forget, we think we can find our own way; we have to see for ourselves!

Proverbs 4:26-27 (NLT) Mark out a straight path for your feet.  Stay on the safe path.  Don’t get side tracked; keep your feet from following evil.

When we set out on our path, we know the way we need to go, the way we even want to go.  We could almost follow it blindly.  But then the devil comes along with temptations and life happens.  We get sidetracked.  When that happens we have 3 choices.  1 let it define you 2 let it destroy you 3 you can let it strengthen you.  I choose strength!

Nehemiah 8:10 And do not be grieved for the joy of the Lord is my strength

But that doesn’t mean my path is not dark, difficult, sad, lonely, frustrating.  But what it does mean is that Jesus is my light.  He is just like that Energizer Bunny always making that light shine even if I just take that light and shine it briefly on my path.  That’s why it’s so important to take the scripture and hide them in your heart.  Sometimes when we get caught out in the storm without a flashlight, no batteries, no switch…we can pull from our reserves.  Those words that light up in our heart, we need to speak!  That’s our light!

“The light shines ceaselessly within us, waiting to be unveiled, just as the sun shines always but is sometimes hidden by clouds. To unveil the inner light we must learn to shine like the sun, impersonally.  We must shine because that is our true nature.  We have no preference about who we’ll shine upon or when we’ll shine.  We simply shine.”         Diane Mariechild, Open Mind

Every day we get up we go to school or work or if we are retired we do everything else!  We meet people all day long, at the grocery store, in traffic, at our children’s school.  We need to shine our light.  We never know who may need to see it.  Just like others need to shine for us to see, so we need to shine too.  We need to be the light.  After all we are still on that pathway.

“When all obey God, He gives us the light of His revelation and gets us where we need to go!”

Proverbs 4:18 But the path of the just is like the shining sun, that shines ever brighter unto the perfect day.

There is a perfect day coming for us.  My prayer is for anyone that doesn’t know Christ-meet up with Him_ He is awesome. And my other prayer is for you that do know him strive to get closer.  Let Him be the light that shines in you.  And trust me I am standing right there beside you saying this is hard to do.  I am struggling, I am tired, I am ready to give up, check out, call it quits, you name it I have thought it.  Be honest with yourself, we all have had our moments.  We are human we get down, the devil finds a crevice and he invades but all we have to do is reach for our power source and turn on that little itty bitty light.  That’s all it takes.

2 Timothy 1:7 God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of Power, of love, and of self-discipline.

God has given a spirit of power, that’s all we need to flip that switch from darkness to light. 

There is a song by Matt Redman:

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

No matter what comes our way, the sun is going to shine.  When we go to bed in the dark, broken hearted, lonely and sad, ask God to go with you let him be your comforter.  And I promise, the sun will come up!  It will shine in your window and everything will look new.  It will all look like God has touched every bit of it.  I know because when I went to bed last night, that’s where I was.  And do you know just as I write this, the sun is shining and Matt Redman is singing this song:

 

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

As a child I learned the song “This Little Light of Mine”, as an adult I teach that song to the little ones.  But how many times do I actually listen to those words and apply them to myself?  Not many!  I need people to shine for me; I need to shine for people!  Simple!  So let’s be the light.  Let’s shine for Jesus, and let’s shine till Jesus comes just like in that little song.  Don’t hide it under a bushel and don’t let Satan “whoof” it out!

And just in case you had any doubts, yes, all dogs go to Heaven!

Happy Birthday Danny!

As I put on my tennis shoes I could feel the excitement of warm
temperatures and the sun on my face and feeling the familiar breeze blow
through my soul.  Out the door and the
dogs are so excited to be headed down the familiar pavement.  I put my ear buds in, tune my music to David
Phelps whose words and music have been talking to my spirit.  My eyes saw the same familiar land marks;
houses, buildings, signs, mailboxes, even bushes and trees remained the
same.  Yet I felt the need to document
that.  I had to take a picture, for
myself, so I could look back on this day and say I enjoyed it.  I lived it, every second of it.  That is pretty much the way I am looking at
life right now.  Last year at this time
the day approached and I celebrated within. 
I remembered the life that was there and that was enough.  The boxes from his office are still stacked
up where Gladys brought them.  Last Feb I
decided to go through all that stuff. 
That’s when I found the passage from the Purpose Driven Life, by Rick
Warren.

Happy Moments-Praise
God

Difficult
Moments-Seek God

Quiet Moments-Worship
God

Painful Moments-Trust
God

Every Moment-Thank
God

Right there in his planner where he had jotted it down.  Needless to say that was a painful moment-trust God!   And that was enough.  I shut the book, left the boxes and there
they still sit.  It’s been another
year.  Maybe I will revisit those
boxes.  Make it an annual event.  I have no doubt he has more to tell me. I
need more of those quiet moments-
worship God.  So that was last year.  Let’s see, 2 years ago at this time Feb 2012,
he had a birthday celebration, 49.  So
young.  He felt good.  He smiled. 
He laughed.  He loved.  He lived. 
He grabbed life with all his strength and all his might.  He held as tightly as he could and many tried
to help him hold on but it wasn’t enough. 
The idea of being cancer free is one of those things that you have to
snatch and celebrate to the fullest because you just don’t know how long it
will last. But that is true with all of life. 
You wake up to a happy family, kids, wife, husband, jobs, health, and in
an instant, a blink of an eye it’s gone. 
A car wreck, loss of job that devastates a family causing depression or
even suicide, happens instantly.  Divorce
happens when you least expect it, your spouse is loving one day but maybe dying
on the inside, but do you notice?  Life
is busy, I know, but you have to take time to nurture the things that are
important to you and the most important things are relationships.  If you have someone that is willing to stick
with you, trudge through the weeds, briars, muck, treat them with
tenderness.  Love them and most of all
forgive them because in life we are going to mess up.  That’s a given.  That would be a difficult time-seek God.

After that birthday celebration 2 years ago we went back to
UVA for just a “routine” CT scan.  Well
when you have had cancer, nothing is ever routine.  There of course was an enlarged lymph node
right smack dab in the middle of his chest. 
But you know when they say stuff like that it just doesn’t sink in.  Even being a nurse and dissecting everything
when you sit in that room and you feel good and it’s routine, it’s like
really?  Nah!  Let’s repeat it!  But no, that was our worst fear.  In the lungs and after having surgeries, radiation,
and chemo you think he would give up and say, OK I’m done.  But that wasn’t who he was.  He always had hope. Even when there was no
hope for healing he had hope in Christ Jesus. And he was OK with it all.  He had the hope and promise that, yes, we
would be together again.  In
eternity.  That will be my happy moment-praise God.  As I walked and thought of all these things,
the different avenues that life takes each of us, I decided I had to celebrate
his life.  The 49 years he was here he
touched so many lives.  Most of all
mine.  I completed my walk and as I
stopped at the mailbox to see what treasures awaited me I could feel a catch in
my throat as I saw the envelope on top, Addressed only to me from WVU.  As I looked at the envelope with only my name
on it many thoughts went through my mind. 
I knew this day was going to come, Emily’s White Coat Ceremony.  I knew I was getting an invitation in the
mail, but what I didn’t know was how I was going to feel simply seeing it in
the mailbox.  Danny and I started many
things in life; some we finished some we didn’t.  Our kids were all mid stream when he
left.  But he laid the ground work, left
the instructions; Just the same as when my mom and dad left me four years
ago.  Because I felt like I was in mid stream.  I wasn’t done with mommy and all of her
knowledge of children and daddy’s life wisdom. 
But they left instructions.  I
refer to the manual.  The Bible they read
and followed with their life.  The same
manual Danny left.  As I opened that invitation
at the edge of the road on this very sunny beautiful almost spring day I
cried.  Tears because life hurts.  Tears because Emily wasn’t going to be able
to have her daddy there cheering her on. 
Tears because this is one of those BIG things we started but didn’t get
to finish.  Tears because I realized this
was the first major thing we were having without him.  Tears for the things that would come and he
won’t be there to share.  Tanner’s
graduation, Jacob’s graduation, grandchildren. 
All things we started but would not get to finish with him…here on
earth; Tanners wedding, Jacobs’s first love…growing old together.  As I looked to the Heavens the sky was so
blue, the sun on my face dried my tears and was so warm.  I was reminded God always keeps his promises.  The only thing missing was my rainbow!  But just as I know God finishes what He
starts so I will finish what Danny and I started…our family.  As we move on and grow we will carry him in
our hearts, our smiles, our big events, like graduations, marriages,
grandchildren; but also we will carry him in our small events, our daily
events.  Every morning when I get out of
bed, there he is.  When I see a child
there he is.  When I watch a football
game he’s there.  When I go to the
grocery store and walk down the aisle of peanut butter or Kraft Macaroni and
cheese, he is there!  You can’t love
someone and mourn them forever.  I know
he’s in a better place and I can’t wait to see his face!  Then hear him say what took you so long?  So no more do I mourn, but rejoice and
celebrate what he was.  I want to
celebrate who he was.  He lived quietly
touching the hearts and lives of many, but mostly mine and our children.  I know we will finish everything we
started.  We will finish the same race
that he ran.  But right now, we are
looking at our manual, getting out our instruction book and digging our heels
in.  We still have work to do and I am
reminded tonight of a verse that has inspired me, helped me, and has helped me
to help others.  A burden shared is a
burden lifted.

Galatians 6:2

Carry each other’s
burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

And that is what you my friends and family have done for
us.  With every encouraging word, every
smile every tear you have cried with us, every time you remember Danny I want
you to remember his love for life and his family and his God!  And that will be every moment-Thank God.

Windex

When you gaze out your window what do you see?  Today I see 2 feet of snow, the blustery wind blowing the dead tree limbs; reminds me of Winnie the Pooh.  I see cars creeping on my road, snowflakes blurring by as if in a hurry to go somewhere.  Everything is clean and pure…or so it seems.  There is a curve in the road that I can see, but I don’t see beyond that.  I don’t know what’s on the other side.   In my mind I see the garden with all of its left overs from fall that Jacob left there.  I believe the tiller is there still.  Also in my mind I see the tree that fell during the Derecho that Clarence cut up but is still laying there.  But with the snow all is beautiful, untouched almost magical.  All of those little snowflakes in a hurry flying past my window found a home. 

Now the sun is shining, same snow, different window.  There is a hawk flying, soaring, and gliding with the wind.  He looks as if he is floating not caring where he lands, just content to be.  Like someone else is guiding him but he has complete trust with the plan.  Now out my window the horizon is dotted with people; People moving swiftly in the snow as if to music in their mind.  Some moving swiftly in the snow, as if to music in their mind.  Some moving ever so slowly that I have to wonder is there any music at all.  Life’s a dance, there is always music and there will always be dancers.  As I danced down the tubing slope my mind and world began to whirl, and that was before I started to spin.  By the time I made it to the bottom, nausea had gripped me and I was very unsteady on my feet, head still swirling much like the aftermath of my car wreck.  So I moved inside and decided to resume my gazing from windows.  I watched as folks came down slopes on skis actually landing on their feet while others wiped out halfway down but they all eventually rested at the same place…the bottom.  I enjoyed chatting with the kids as they came in frozen to tell of their adventures all pretty much the same; you go up, you go down but yet uniquely different.  Each time they learned something new, Pull the scarf this way or hold the tube that way, dig the boot in at just the right time, made slipping down the slippery slope much easier and yes even more comfortable.  I sat by the fire, making new friends, some this was their first ever outing, and others a yearly treat, like ours.  Many church groups, lots of kids, lots of adults, lots of winter gear, boots, gloves, scarves, and masks.

As I watched from afar I tried to pick out members of our group but it was impossible.  Everyone looked essentially the same.  So I just watched them all.  I thought of my own life as I watched others.  Sometimes I feel like I am looking out my own window; the window of my soul.  Sometimes I feel disconnected even though it is happening to me.  I often just feel like an observer or bystander.  My head hurts, I’m confused or I should say I know what I want to say but I can’t get it out.  I can almost see the words but can’t get them out of my mouth.  So I act it out.  I eventually get the message across but Geez…As I look out the window of my soul I see things that look good and clean and pure just like as the snow covers everything, but deep down I know reality.  Things are messy and even dirty if you look close enough.  And just like the tiller that shouldn’t be there in my garden there is stuff in my heart that needs put away.  There is a place for it, but it isn’t there…in my heart where it gets in the way of my relationship with Christ.  Just like the snow, Jesus’ blood has covered all that stuff; made it pure and clean.  And as the hawk glides in the sky, floats along, that’s what I want to do.  I just want to spread my wings and glide this way and that way knowing the Heavenly Father is guiding me.  He has a plan for me just as I have quoted so many times in Jeremiah 29:11

Psalm 9:14 He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge.

As I watched that bird glide with his wings stretched wide I could imagine finding rest in the arms of the Father.  No matter the circumstance, no matter what, I know He is going to open those arms and welcome me to come into His embrace.  He knows my path, my plan.

Psalm 62:2  He alone is my Rock and my salvation my fortress; I shall never be shaken.

My window sometimes becomes difficult to see out of.  It gets a film over it or becomes streaked; sometimes things are clear as I look and sometimes blurry.  But as I think of Jesus and all that he has done for me it all becomes clear.  Jesus is like the Windex for the window to my soul.  He cleans it up, removes the film.  He sees my heart all the way through the muck.  He sees through the cracks in the window panes.  He sees through the streaks where I have tried to fix my life myself, he looks past all that and sees himself because that’s who lives there.  This is what I have to do, we all have to do.  After we invite him in we have to let Him be the Windex, we have to stop trying to be the window washer on our own because we can’t do it.  He loves us, God loves us.  We are his little children.  We can get our finger prints, smudges, all over it but just let him clean it.  After all God is in control.  He knows the plan.  We just need to be the bird, float and glide, and like all birds do, we may crash into an occasional window, leave behind a little residue but that’s OK because God is in the clean up business.  He makes it all shiny! 

As we left that night I glanced out the window of the truck one last time.  I saw the empty slopes with nothing but tracks where we all had been.  Places we fell, but got back up. Places we wiped out but recovered.  There was fresh snow falling to cover it all, the lights along the top of the ridge illuminating it all, very sparkly and clean.  So like the way Jesus’ blood has covered all the tracks of our life, our sin.  We get back up and when we wipe out we recover. I hope in the tracks of our own life it will be like it was on that mountain.  If I fall I hope someone will stretch out a hand to help me up.  And if I am the one passing by I hope God gives me the grace to stop and help you up.  Jesus is the light that illuminates our life, the hills, and the valleys.  He is the light at every corner and every curve.  And unlike when I look out my window and see that curve in the road not knowing what lies ahead, I know what lies ahead of my life with Christ Jesus.   He is there Waiting on me, Ready to hold my hand, and wipe my tears.  Ready to just love me, no matter what.

The love of God so rich and pure, how measureless and strong.  It shall forever more endure, the saints and angels song.

1 John 4:16  And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in them.

Once Upon a Valentine

Once upon a Valentine’s Day not so long ago there was a kid and he fell in love.   That was 1982.  That Valentine’s Day there was a flutter just barely there in my heart.  One week later was his birthday; I gave him a birthday card.  The flutter began to grow.  There was a funeral of a dear friend and neighbor, Lovie Puckett.  I remember like it was yesterday.  The snow was pouring down and there at the cemetery he gave me his class ring.  That night in the snow storm we risked getting out there on the roads to go to our first movie, On Golden Pond.  I was 16.  I wasn’t allowed to date til I was 16 so this was all new territory for me.  I remember after the movie by the car that first kiss.  I think that’s when the flutter turned to flurry.  My dad was notorious for discipline and guns.  I recall the first time he came to my house, after church on a Wednesday night.  As we left the church I asked if he had heard of my dad?  I swear all the color drained from his face.  But they became fast friends.  We spent many date nights sitting on the porch in the glider.  Not very often alone.  Lots of little kids there.  Janet was 2 and always in between us.  I remember the day he asked Daddy for my hand in marriage.  We were sitting around the table in the kitchen and daddy didn’t even look up from his plate, he said simply, “Well I guess that’s one less mouth I’ll have to feed!”  We took that as a yes.  He worked during the summer putting up hay and with that hard earned money bought me a diamond engagement ring, Greenbrier Jewelers.  We rarely talked on the phone.  He hated the phone, never outgrew that.  But we did write letters.  Every day.  My bus driver, Sue Posten would take my letter to Smoot and he would walk up and get it and leave one for me on his way to night classes at the Community College.  Our engagement was short, but then it seemed like an eternity.  When you are 17 and ready to start your life a year feels like forever.  So I graduated in June, 1984.  Later that month June 30, 1984 we said I do.  No idea what we were going to do in life or how we were going to do it but what we did know was we were going to do it together, side by side. With God in the middle!  We spent one night in an old farm house in Crag Holler and then we moved in to our little house there at the corner of the interstate.  Only at that time there was no 64.  All a work in progress.  Much like us.   He got a job as night watchman for that project, and then got sick.  I can remember the night he had chest pain he could barely breathe.  He tried to walk up the steps of our little house all the while declaring he didn’t need an ambulance.  So I threw his butt in our little brown Subaru and hauled it to Fairlea.  In the fog.  Too foggy to fly, so he went by ambulance to UVA.  Endocarditis.  I was working at the radio station WYKM at that time.  When life happens you just go with it.  You know what is important in the big scheme of things and you kind of run on autopilot.  We spent 6 weeks at that place.  Everything they did made him sick.  A very long 6 weeks.  But he survived.  We survived.  I understand his dislike of medicine.  He was always in the middle of it.  From the time he was diagnosed with a murmur at a very young age, the heart surgery at age 11 and then valve replacement at age 18.  I understood.  So here we were, no insurance, and big hospital bills. So I decided if he wasn’t going to embrace medicine to keep him healthy, medicine was going to embrace him.  I went to nursing school.  It was never out of a desire of mine that I wanted to help mankind or anything like that.  It was purely selfish reasons.  I wanted to keep my husband alive. And it worked.  I monitored his Coumadin therapy.  I noticed illnesses before they got out of hand.  If he had not had that illness I probably never would’ve went to nursing school.  But God knew what He wanted for my life.  I didn’t.  We survived in that little shack with lots of love, very little money and great friends and family.  When the wind would blow it moved the curtains on the inside.  Water pipes would freeze right behind the coal stove.  For this reason I told him I would not have kids until we could move to a house that they wouldn’t become human popsicles.  But somewhere along the way, time started creeping up on me.  I thought we had to have kids.  And soon.  I mean I was going to be 25.  Oh my, just thinking about this now makes me laugh.  So of course we had no more money than when we started this marriage. And of course I was impatient.  He wanted to build, I wanted fast.  I knew if we built I would be old- like maybe almost 30 or something when we finally started our family. So like he always did, he gave in.  We bought a double wide and that was 1989.  Well Miss Emily came along 1990. And if anyone told me I could be as sick as I was during those 9 months I would never have believed them. The OB nurse actually changed my name because I fame in so frequently for IV fluids.  I became known as Mrs. Hutsenpuker!  Life has a way of throwing kinks into what we think will be easy or what we say that everyone is doing so why not us?  Not an easy pregnancy, but did I forget?  Yes. 1993 Tanner made his entrance. I puked the whole 9 months and then 3 weeks after he was born I had to have my gallbladder removed.  There was an evening I was having a gallbladder attack and the ambulance was called, I literally thought I was dying.  Here comes Lorrie and Jeffy Thomas.  They saw the ambulance from the interstate, so stopped to help.  People, good people, have been popping in and out of my life for so long.  And sometimes I get in a hurry just to get through something that I don’t slow down and enjoy my journey.  I don’t enjoy the folks God is placing in my path.  They are there I have no doubt for a purpose.  So I am slowing down.  I am enjoying the journey. Our family was complete.  Boy, girl-perfect.  Life became very busy, kids started school.  Danny drove to Clifton Forge, VA every day and I worked.  Grandma’s baby sat.  It worked.  When Tanner started Kindergarten and I came home I thought what now?  Here I am 32 years old and my kids are in school.  What do I do with my life if I don’t have little ones?  Well once again, Danny says “What?”  But he gives in anyway.  It wasn’t a hard decision.  1999 Jacob joined our family.  Then it was truly complete.  I had no time neither did Danny.  Sports, school, church, we were busy, but happy. We had all the normal things that come and go with having kids.  Illnesses; Emily had seizures or so we thought when she was 2, but that all checked out.  Inherited a weak pain threshold.  Hmmmmm who would’ve thought!  Danny held her while she slept for her EEG.   The ticking of his heart valve was often the only thing that would soothe that child.  After she was born I handed her off as soon as he came through the door and she hushed, just like magic.  Head on his chest.  Tanner has been the sickest of all three.  Croup as a baby.  ER many nights.  Midnight calls to Grandma Vivian to please pray.  Strep so many times that the tonsils came out.  Then when he was 8 we were on our way to a football game-peewee league- and noticed Tanner was a funny shade of yellow.  Thank God for doctors like Shawn Johnson, you know the kind that will pray with you, for you, and call ahead to the ER and tell them all about you.  He ended up in Roanoke, gallstones, huge ones! 

We tried to teach our kids important things in life all the while trying to follow Gods plan for our life.  We helped out in our church.  We were youth leaders, taught Sunday school, VBS, music, trustee; always there no matter what.  I didn’t realize it then, but not only were we there for the church, God was there for us.  Every time he delivered us from an illness, every day he kept us safe on the road, every day he kept my family safe He was there.  When I got sick in 2007 I didn’t understand why He didn’t just deliver me.  He had all those times before.  Danny always told me look for the good in everything.  Always.  He also told me to look for the good in everybody.

Once again we were getting ready for a ballgame and Jacob comes in my bedroom doubled over with pain.  I had a gut feeling.  So to the ER we went.  Appendix.  Another Doc Shawn moment.  Life, life, life…

When I quit work in 2004 to stay at home it was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make.  But once again God took care of us.  As I look back on it now, God was working a lot of things out then.  I got sick and couldn’t have worked, my mom and dad’s health declined and they needed my help for everything.  I was the closest of my siblings and it worked out.  Emily and Zac married in 2008 right after graduation.  Following in our footsteps.  How could we argue with that?  Daddy got cancer in Dec 2009, died in March 2010.  I had cataract surgery both eyes the same month, thanks to steroids.  Tanner’s senior year of high school, Jacob elementary, and Emily married and college, life did not slow down.

Mommy was heartbroken after daddy died and that December she joined him in Heaven.  I felt like an orphan.  Even surrounded by family there is no feeling worse than losing both of the parents that loved you no matter what you did.  That same December 2010, I tried experimental chemo for my auto immune disease.  In Jan 2011, that night Danny came in with that pea sized knot under his collar bone will forever be engraved upon my mind.  I had a gut feeling. I just knew!  February I got pneumonia and ended up in the hospital.  Results of chemo!  Weakened immunity.  Danny came every day and he was sick.  Sinus and cough!  Another Doc Shawn moment.  I made him go by the ER for my peace of mind.  And I remember telling Shawn, hey while he is there make sure you get that pea size knot.  Everything, of course, was ok.  I came home, his knot grew.  I went to the Cleveland clinic in March and then Danny decided to go see Dr. Hanes.  He wouldn’t go while I was there to be bossy!  By then it was a good size; golf ball.  She of course ordered CT and everything that should be done was done.  And the thing is, it wouldn’t have mattered what we did, the outcome would’ve been the same.

When we are born our days are numbered.  We don’t have the privilege of knowing when our days are up.  When Danny was born His days were numbered at 18,050.  No more no less.  We were blessed with so much happiness and goodness, God’s goodness.  There are no regrets. Only good memories, good kids that sometimes mess up.  But isn’t that the same way we are with God?  We mess up, He forgives us.  In our fairytale, mine and Danny’s, we had the opportunity to talk of many things.  We knew his time was limited.  But that is so for us all.  When we say goodbye in the morning to the one we love we don’t know that it won’t be our last.  So don’t waste any of your days.  If you love someone or even if there is just a little flutter tell them.  I am reminded today that life is short and did I tell that someone that Jesus loves them?  I know I did tell them of Jesus and what He did for me but did I tell them what He did for me He would do the same for them?  I didn’t.  And that is my regret.  I will live with that but I will not be defeated by it, because if I was the devil wins.  I will be a stronger Christian.  I will tell people that Jesus loves them.  If I am labeled as a fanatic then so be it!  That’s a cross I will gladly carry!  My days on earth have been 17, 577and I am not guaranteed 17,578 so while I am here I want to make them count, every last one of them!  So to my friends that read this I hope you all had that special Valentines date, complete with candy and flowers and maybe even jewelry.  Maybe you became engaged or even got married.  Or maybe you lost the love of your life today, a parent or child?  No matter if it is a new love, old love or lost love the one true love of your life is Jesus.  He is the one that can save you, give you eternal life and supplies that unconditional love that we think we give but in reality we don’t.  Because we are human.

 

1 John 4:7 (NIV)

Let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God

On this Valentine’s Day I don’t mourn my lost love.  I thank God for him and the way he loved me and the way he taught me to love.  He taught me to love him, our kids, other people, always finding the good in them.  So when I love today and every day in the future, I love with the love of Christ…and Danny.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-13

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

⁸ Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ⁹ Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! ¹⁰ But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.

¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. ¹² Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity, All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

¹³ Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Snow Day

Snow days are good for many things;  Catching up on TV shows that have been DVRd for a whole year, cleaning house, cleaning out closets, catching up on thoughts, and yes perhaps even shoveling some snow.  Prednisone once again has by body and yes my mind held hostage.   My sugar is up because of it, I take a fluid pill now because of it, I have to watch every bite that goes in my mouth, and yeast has overwhelmed me not to mention what it does to my mental state and emotions.   Did I mention I hate prednisone?    Although in its defense I can get out of bed, walk through the house, go to work and all those things without pain.  Lots of time to think, thanks to the excess energy I have on steroids.  Pulling all nighters are easy to do.  The energy is there but man is it hard on the mind.  I did catch up on Facebook creeping.  Now come on y’all, you know you all do it.  But in real life you rarely have time.  You scroll and stop on the highlights, like a status, and occasionally comment, but who has time to creep!  Well when you’re up all night, you have time.  I reminisced old pictures!   That’s right, I creeped on my own stuff.  Stuff I forgot about but still hold close to my heart. Memories I had tucked away.  I began to let my memories resurface and found much pleasure in reliving them.  Not the pain I was afraid I would find.  That’s the good thing about memories.  They are always there when you need them.  Bringing us comfort, sometimes like a big hug sometimes like a balm or salve.  So as the snow came down I decided to man up and grab my shovel.  Yard stick says 15 inches.  I dive in and surprisingly it moves swiftly.  Danny would’ve loved it, and yes he would’ve shoveled with shorts on.  I managed to get halfway out my driveway and here comes a random person with a snow plow on their truck.  He started plowing me out.  Then here comes Randy Forren on the skid steer scooping up snow, and then here comes Christopher Martin with his two little girls dressed like snow bunnies to help him.  I got plowed out, car cleaned off and had time to spare.   In my house laundry was calling my name.  I worked on that for a couple hours and couldn’t get warm so I gave up, snuggled under a blanket and fell asleep.  For about ½ hour.  I thought how good my neighbors were to me!  What a blessing they were to me!

Mark 12: 30-31 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this, Love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no commandment greater that these.

My neighbors were doing their Christ like duty today.  And as darkness came, the roads cleared, I decided to venture out. So I headed out to visit Tina and Clarence.  Now anyone that knows where they live thinks I am nuts!  Up on top of the mountain but Tyler had cleared it off.  Old Blue went right up, but only about halfway.  Then I found myself zooming backwards down the hill praying all the time, “God get me off this mountain!”  A snow bank caught me, Thank God for that!  I managed to back all the way down and parked.  Then I decided to walk up.  Now this is a big mountain, but up I went.  My coat wouldn’t zip up, but I thought,  it won’t take long.  Halfway up and I fell flat on my butt.  I felt it jolt all the way to my head!  Slid right back down the hill, then I got back up and started again.  Once again I find myself on the ground, knees this time!  At this point I am thinking just go back down and go home.  But I moved closer to the ditch where I could dig my feet in and started the climb again.  A little more determined.  The wind is cold, it’s dark, but somewhere in the night I can hear Jesus saying you can make it, One foot in front of the other.  Up in the distance I can see the porch light and almost feel the warmth coming from the house.  And inside I know the aroma will be awesome.  That is the way heaven will be.  As I struggle up this mountain of life I can almost see the lights of home.  I feel the warmth of his love.  I see the smile on his face each time I get up after falling.  I can even smell the aroma of Heaven.  And O how sweet it is!  The things He has in store for me are phenomenal. I don’t want to miss out on even one thing.  But I have become comfortable in my own mess.  I haven’t fixed anything, I have adapted, it seems to be working so I let it.  I stay in my comfort zone, my rut, if you will and I don’t really life it, but I am afraid of change.  God is doing all He can to fix that and it all seems to be involving that danged old blue car.  Every time I get in it I wonder what I am going to be up against.  It is very unpredictable, yes that’s the word.  And to me that is interpreted as being scary.  Predictable is safe.  But a friend told me today it’s time to get unpredictable in my life.  I am thinking he is right.  After all how do I know what God has in store for me if I don’t get out there and be a little off the wall?  God is doing his part now it’s my turn.  I have to give back.  Pull that unpredictable card out and play it.  No matter what the outcome! Gods got my back!  The years take us far away from our child like faith, God is great, and God is good!  That’s where I need to go back to again.  All I have to do is say those words and I know He is still listening.  Our prayers don’t have to be long, eloquent, educated…God knows our hearts!  He knows the words in our hearts.  Sometimes all we can say is “God Help me!”  “God forgive me”  “God I messed up!  Fix me!”  The thing is, God hears it all!  We just have to speak it!  Even if it’s from our heart!  God is love…That’s predictable.  We need to take that love and do the unpredictable with it. That is what will win those broken souls to Christ.  When someone shows up to plow you out of the 2 ft of snow, just because; that’s unpredictable.  Or when someone sends you flowers just because…just because you are you!  Or maybe it’s a text to just see if you are still among the living.  Or are you having a good day?  Or, Hey, I am praying for you today!  Or maybe it’s a swift kick in the pants because you messed up.  As long as you do it with love it’s ok.  Now I know you all are thinking, yeah that was really predictable of her, another note!  But the best is yet to come!  Just watch out!  If my unpredictability and Gods will are lined up together?  It’s hard to tell what can happen! 

I did make it to the top of the hill.  Frozen nose and frozen toes!  And when I went in I wasn’t disappointed.  The aroma of bacon and French toast met my little frozen nose!  And the warmth of the home far exceeded my expectations. Not just warmth from the heat but warmth in a friends smile and touch and words that warm the heart.  And that is just like it will be in Heaven only greater.  I did snag a ride to the bottom of the hill from Clarence on the tractor, perfect ending to a perfect SNOW DAY!

Revelation 12:11

And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony….

Out of Gas

Out of Gas

Cherish.  Beloved.  Shattered.  Broken.  Wasted.  I started with good intentions to write a Valentine note all about love.  But I can think of only the broken vows, the shattered dreams, the wasted time that I feel like I am drifting along.  My life feels meaningless.  I drift toward nothing.  The lonely ache in my chest just gets wider and wider deeper and deeper.  I wait.  I wait on a miracle that I am promised because He said nothing will be left unredeemed.  It’s hard to sing about His promises when you feel broken, shattered, and bitter!

As I swept the church after the funeral on Saturday all I could think of was this would have been something Danny and I would’ve done, together.  God it has been 18 months and my life is no where!  Then I hear that still small voice, “But you never know the miracle the Father has in store!”

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

You know me; I always tell what’s on my heart.  That’s just who I am.  It all comes out.  My curse I guess, but I hate telling how broken and empty I am.  I hate to see it on paper.  It’s a reminder to me of how I let the devil infiltrate and penetrate my life.  And I don’t like it. But that’s where I am.  My life is broken and it’s all over the place.  I have no control over any of it (except the color of my hair!).  And as hard as it is I know…I know…I am not staying here.  I have been up before and I am going again.  I am going to that mountain top that God has promised me.  Where He held out His hand and helped me climb up.  I know He is with me now in my brokenness because He is the one wiping my tears.  He is the one who gives me that loving embrace time after tie.  I read that our trials make us stronger and that’s when we grow.  While I am here in this ditch, I am tired of growing and I am so tired of being strong.  I am tired of smiling though the tears when someone asks if I am OK because they don’t really want to hear the truth.  My heart breaks every day.  I cry every day, the morning, the afternoon, the night.  I cry for my loss.  I cry for others; my patients, my neighbors, my friends, friends I used to have but no longer do.  I cry for what the devil has tore apart and lies yet unredeemed.  I know the Bible tells me it will all be redeemed one day, but while we are here on earth in this crazy mixed up world, how do we go every day all day long.  It hurts.

1 John 3:18 (GW)

¹⁸ Dear children, we must show love through actions that are sincere, not through empty words.

In the words of Joel Osteen, “Even when nothing good has happened, believe that it’s going to turn around, God has done it for you in the past.  He’ll do it for you again.  Be a prisoner of hope.”

I know God will not leave all my mess unredeemed.

But sometimes you need a little help. 

“Sometimes we need a little help to get pulled out of the muck!”                  Ryan Longenette

And that’s where I am.  Stuck in the muck.  As bad as this day started after getting to church things changed.  But on my way to church I had a problem.  And I can share this with you because you are my friends.  Shoot, some of you may have been in this same predicament.  On Friday evening I was late leaving work.  I knew I was going to be late for the wake and services of Nance Helmick so I ignored the gas light that came on telling me, warning me, to get gas.  I thought to myself, in the morning.  The morning came.  I went up to the church to practice a song but no, I passed that gas station without stopping.  Then it was time for the funeral, I was late.  So no I didn’t stop.  Knowing I was low on gas, I asked a friend if I could ride to the cemetery with them.  So when I got back I was tired emotionally tired, not in the mood to get gas.  Well at 9pm that night I went back to the church to print bulletins, sweep up, things like that.  Before I knew it, it was after 10.  Gas station closed.  So Sunday morning, late again.  Didn’t stop.  And as I was driving I had this weird feeling as the car started to sputter that I wasn’t going to make it.  Now in all of my married life there were only 2 things that really irritated Danny about me.  Yeah, only 2 things.  I know you guys are shaking your head.  Anyway the 2 things were #1 being late, #2 having a gas gauge read below ½ tank.  Infuriated him.  So I am thinking he is sitting up there next to God saying, I told her so I told her so!  So I prayed, “Lord just get me to the church on time!”  End of prayer.  I made it!  Prayer answered.  I was blessed during church.  I sang my song and I know God was there.  I could feel Him.  So I went to start my car, but it didn’t want to start.  I should have left it but NO I had to try it one more time and it started.  I got about 2 miles down the road and that was it.  Not even a mile from the gas station.  So I managed to coast to the side of the road.  Got out and started walking.  I immediately thought, you got what you prayed for!  Why didn’t I pray to get to church AND home!  Pastor Vince and Michelle were right behind me, gave me a lift home.  Then here came Quinton to offer to help me out.  But I let Jacob and Garrett fix my mess.  But here were those friends helping to pull me out of the much that I am stuck in.  And yes, sometimes our muck is self inflicted, other times not.  God works in funny ways.  He uses people, people that we would never imagine.  He takes situations to teach us a lesson.

In my life I can say my gas light came on during the holidays starting around Thanksgiving.  I did have plenty notice.  I knew I needed to refuel.  And I tried.  I went to church sat there and listened soaked it up.  But every now and then I started to sputter; I knew it was getting low.  The weather turned bad, church was cancelled.  I didn’t reach out I just let emotions and memories engulf me.  And before I knew it I was stranded along the side of the road.  Out of gas.  And just like Sunday I had friends there to offer me a hand to pull me up out of the muck.  But in some instances they don’t know you need help unless you ask.  I am not always good at that.  I figure people have their own issues in life, their own problems, why do I need to add anymore?  But I am finding out that my strength is coming when I help someone else.  If I can offer a kind word, a shoulder to cry on, a hand out of the muck it takes my pain.  His strength is perfect when our strength is gone!  When we strengthen others; that is Christ working in us.  We can’t go wrong by helping someone.  If all we have is a smile, give it.  Jacob and Garrett fixed my gas problem.  All that took was a trip to Dawson gas station.  My other fuel problem is a little trickier but as the lyrics go to that old song we used to sing, “I get by with a little help from my friends”.  That’s how I am refueling.  Oh and of courses God!  So if there is one thing I learned it’s this; don’t run out of gas!  But more importantly don’t ignore the gas light when it comes on.

Acts 1:8 (NIV)

⁸ But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

The last time I checked in order to get to all those places, you need a full tank of gas!  Your physical tank and your spiritual tank.