I see the store windows all lit up with trees and garland, christmas balls and artificial snow. I hear the Christmas music as I browse around in all the stores. The temperatures are cold and yes there is even snow. There are Christmas cards in my mailbox. There are Christmas cookies in my kitchen. There are even a few Christmas presents waiting to be wrapped. On Sunday mornings we have lit the Advent candle for 3 weeks now. We have even sang some Christmas carols. I have seen an occasional Santa and an elf or two at the mall. If I turn on the TV I can find a Christmas movie on about any channel. When I went to the grocery store this week, I could barely find what I needed because all the aisles were over loaded with Christmas items to bake, make or create! So why can’t I find Christmas? It sounds as if there should be no problem right? Well I see it and I hear it everywhere but…I don’t feel it. And trust me I am trying really really hard. I definitely don’t feel it in the shopping mall. Anyone and everyone that works in retail are over worked so they don’t have any extra cheer or Christmas spirit to spare! Even in the work place,, there is so much drama always going on in peoples own lives there is not much Christmas spirit. I am rarely home, by the time I put in my 10 hour work day, there is definitely no time for Christmas cheer. No time to decorate a tree and no desire. So I begin to wonder if it’s just me or is it the way of the world?
Am I becoming the Grinch or Scrooge? And you know what really troubles me is that I can’t even feel Christmas in church. I just can’t feel…maybe that’s my problem. What am I expecting to feel? Maybe I am expecting too much? I don’t know, but I don’t think I can expect anything less than this!
When I am shopping I expect to feel the smiles and kindness from those that are working and yes even from those other fellow shoppers. When they say excuse me I expect them to mean it and not run over me as they pass by with no regard to anyone. I expect to feel that special magical christmas love that appears every year during the holiday season otherwise known as the love of Jesus. Thats what I am missing. It has been rare that I have felt that this year from anyone anywhere. We have all become so busy with life, the hustle and bustle, the commercialism of Christmas has replaced the simplicity of Christmas.
Psalm 147:3(KJV)
3 He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.
Where have the days gone when all we cared about was sitting by the tree with someone you loved, sharing a memory, a piece of pie, cup of coffee, warmth of a fire. There are no more large family dinners where we all can meet, eat and greet without cell phones. What has happened to face to face conversations? As much as I am attached to my phone, even I recognize this. And, yes, I have to admit, I miss those days. Most of all what I miss is the love I could feel when I walked in mommy and daddys house. Maybe thats why I can’t feel Christmas anymore. When mommy and daddy died that is when Christmas began to die for me and now without Danny…that was the clincher. I don’t feel…or when I do feel it is sadness, regret, despair and tears, always lots of tears. Don’t get me wrong, feeling is better than being numb and not feeling. But I am so ready to “feel” Christmas!
I am finding more and more that there are more people like me that aren’t “feeling Christmas” than there are actually as happy as they appear. So many have lost loved ones and they are always remembered at Christmas time. The most wonderful time of the year! I don’t think so! It has become the busiest yet emptiest holiday for me. And church used to be my safe haven. Now I can’t even “feel” Christmas there. I know Jesus is there and I hear Him talking to me. He tells me to Be Still get quiet and listen to what he has to tell me. Well I have turned off the radio in the car when I drive just so I can hear him. I have turned off the music at night when I go to bed, just so I can hear him. I have turned it off almost completely when I walk; that was hard because I like my music! I can’t say I have heard him extra, but I have heard him talking to me. He talks but not necessarily what I want to hear! So do I turn the music back on? Is that what we do when we don’t like the answers to our prayers, we turn him off, just like the radio. Or I guess we just turn everything else back on in order to turn Him off. I think I will leave the music off because I would like to see where He is leading me. Where do these avenues go? I’m sure I don’t know but He is telling me!
Hebrews 11:1(KJV)
11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
What is your reason for celebrating Christmas this year? Is it to hide the elf on the shelf? Is it to DVR every Christmas Hallmark movie? Maybe it’s to get your family together to eat turkey and watch The Christmas Story? Maybe it’s to make sure everything happens at just the right moment at church. Children's plays, choir cantatas, parties, Santa, dinners; because after all isn’t it all about the socialization? I have never been surrounded by so many people and felt so alone.
John 14:1-3 (KJV)
14 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
I can imagine in that big house with all those rooms, I won’t even feel lonely there. That place will be so filled with his presence that lonely won’t even be a word there.
Psalm 25:16-17 (ESV)
16
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
17
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
I think, as I look for Christmas I have to look within my own heart. Deep inside it locked away are Christmas memories from when I was probably 10. I remember sneaking under the tree in the wee hours of the morning with Steve and unwrapping gifts and wrapping them back! It wasn’t much, one year a toboggan and scarf, but it was the thrill of unwrapping it. Then as I got older my memories are of family being together, big dinners, lots of love from mommy and daddy. Such wonderful aromas that floated through that house. And mommy would always greet you with a smile and a hug. Always.
Even deeper locked away are my memories, my married memories. Danny's favorite time was Christmas. I never really had to do much because he enjoyed it so. I remember Emily’s first Christmas, she was 6 months old. She laid under the tree and he was determined that I would wrap every present for her. So on Christmas morning there we were again under the tree, unwrapping every present for her. One year as the kids were older he planned a scavenger hunt for their gifts. They had to search for every one. But I like to keep those memories locked away. They are happy memories and when I bring them out, they make me sad.
Isaiah 26:3 (NLT)
3
You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
My prayer is that I can keep that memory, his legacy, alive. Keep it happy. I pray that I don’t dwell on my sadness or the huge hole it has left in my heart and my life.
Romans 15:13 (NLT)
13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Deeper still inside my heart is all the love I have stored up that has been given to me. From mommy and daddy and all of my family, from Danny- and thats a huge storage- from my kids, my church family and then from the most loving Heavenly Father anyone could ask! He loves me no matter what I do! Oh how he loves!
Psalm 103:3-5 (MSG)
3-5
He forgives your sins—every one.
He heals your diseases—every one.
He redeems you from hell—saves your life!
He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.
He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.
He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence
As I attempt to celebrate Christmas, I go through a lot of motions because that is what is expected of me. I also go through a lot of emotions. But there are some motions I just don’t do anymore. I don’t do christmas cards just for the sake of sending christmas cards. I do try to reach out to my friends and family and an occasional stranger. But until you have sat down and tried to write out at least 100 cards and put everyones name there except the one you love the most, you will never understand. I wish I could write a card without that empty feeling…one day I pray…one day. I don’t put up a tree. I enjoy everyone else's tree, but mine is tucked away in the garage with all the ornaments…and memories. One day though…I pray…one day. I don’t really do a lot of gifts…that was Danny's joy! If I have something to give you, trust me, I won’t wait til Christmas!
What I do enjoy at Christmas is going to candlelight service. That is my favorite service of the year. Its dark, quiet and…well it’s just beautiful. There are no expectations just reflection. No performance, just meditation. No gifts to deliver just His presence to be thankful for. Of course I enjoy time with my family but I enjoy that every time we are together, not just at Christmas time. I enjoy the magic spirit that comes down at Christmas time, but at the same time it saddens me as I wonder why can’t people have that same spirit the whole year through.
The simple spirit that lets one friend buy another friend a Coke just because. Or how a stranger gave me her ink pen just because I told her how I liked it…it wrote so smooth! These little random acts can mean the difference between someone having a terrible horrible rotten day or someone having a ray of hope shine on them. As I went about my day amidst all the craziness of shoppers everywhere, I was reminded by these little acts of love that all hope is not lost. That people still do care about one another. That even with all the commercialism, folks are still sharing the love of Christ.
As I delivered fruit baskets from the church to the shut in and elderly, I was once again reminded how Jesus loves us, all of us. As I sat and shared stories with many, they each have their own trial; Their own set of tears that we shared. As I entered each home, I wondered would this be their last? So many so frail, some have seen so many Christmas’! Many just here waiting to be reunited with spouses, children, parents, the list goes on and on. The way my heart aches at times I can’t imagine how some of them feel. But He gives us the promise of life eternal. One day to be reunited. If we can only trust him to do what we know he will do! And that’s what is best for us. Sometimes it’s so hard to just wait. And to be still…
Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
My Christmas Wish, my prayer, for you is to find your Christmas and feel it with all your heart and soul. But after you find it I pray that you will share it with your neighbor, your family, the stranger down the street, everyone you meet. Don’t tuck it away when you take down your tree. Don’t hide it away in the garage with your memories like I do. Because Christmas is all in the heart, that’s where it starts. Thats where Jesus lives and we have to share His love all year. As I search for my Christmas, I am praying for each of you. You won’t get a Christmas card and probably no Christmas present from me, but be sure you will have prayers said on your behalf at Christmas and all year long. I pray for your health, I pray for peace in your homes, I pray that you experience the laughter of a child at least once as it has magic in it! No matter what you are going through, the laughter of a child is like balm to a sore.
Remember as you celebrate Christmas, Jesus came to earth as a baby and was a child with that same magical laughter. Laugh with someone this Christmas no matter your circumstances. I plan on making new memories and lots of laughter. although I am sure the tears will come, they won’t stay. And that is how it should be. Remember the ones we loved and lost with a few tears and lots of laughter.
Isaiah 9:6(KJV)
6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.
Merry Christmas!
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