Sand

Many are the grains of sand in a 3 minute timer.  I wonder sometimes how many.  These are the things that wander around in my head.  Of course I googled it.  3 minute timer= 250,000 grains of sand.  An hour glass? 5,000,000.  So as I sit on the beach with the Atlantic Ocean at my feet, these are the thoughts running around in my head.  So how many grains of sand in the ocean?  I am sure there is a mathematician out there somewhere that can figure that out.  There is an algebraic equation for it!  You take the size of a grain of sand and then do a song and dance with a page or two of figures and there you will have your answer.

With my toes buried in the sand I claimed my small portion of the beach. I watched as people came and went;  just like the waves.  There were people of all sizes; big, small, short, tall, white, black, brown, red, tattooed, pierced, young, old, from babies in their mothers arms to grandmothers on walkers pushing their wheels in the sand to catch a glimpse of the ocean view just one more time.  As I sat there the waves came in and lapped up against me.  I could feel the tension leave as the waves went back out to sea.  I tried to leave all my worries and problems at home like everyone else when they go on vacation but they always follow you.  But when you sit there your problems and worries kind of become like grains of sand.  First they are too numerous to count and 2nd they are hard to keep track of and count because we can’t keep up with them.  As the water comes in, it brings new sand and as it goes out, it takes sand with it.  Always moving.  Well thats kind of how my problems or worries felt.  The longer I sat the more I could feel at ease.  The problems of life seem to fade away into the ocean leaving a feeling of calmness, not that I had accomplished anything, but somehow when you look into the vastness of the ocean and you look to the horizon and there is no end, your problems just don’t seem so big.  You know there is something bigger out there besides your little world.  I walked along the beach for many miles.  I looked into many faces; talked to many.  Never got a name but did share a smile, sometimes humor.  I always wondered what was behind their smile, behind their eyes.  What skill did they possess?  Were they heart surgeons, brain surgeons, lawyers, CEO, trash collector, did they perhaps deliver the mail in the same corporate office that the man walking beside me is a CEO?  Here at the beach everyone is the same.  No ties or coveralls, no name tags.  No way of knowing what your calling is in life unless you tell.   Are you happy or sad?  Lonely?  Rich?  Poor?  Homeless? Catholic?  Baptist?  Atheist?  So many questions but here, in the sand, does it matter?  I decided NO!  I tried to let the concerns of my life fade away with the ocean.  I watched the sun come up with thousands of people.  I saw the reflection on the water and on the surface everything was perfect; no ripples.  It reminded me of life.  Many times we reflect life around us and on our surface, life appears perfect to those that just come to watch from a distance.  But when you get a little closer you begin to see imperfections.  The ripples.

As I got farther down the shore my feet began to hurt from walking on the tiny crushed shells.  The water began to take on different shades of blue; depending on which way I was looking at it.  Then with closer inspection I saw lots of activity going on that didn’t first appear.  The sea gulls would wait for the waves to come in then go out so they could snatch the little sand crabs up and eat them.  I saw the dolphins swim in and out, up and down, following the schools of fish.  They would charge full steam ahead splitting the waters and the fish would flop high into the air twisting and wiggling.  The pelicans would swoop down and catch them; All within seconds!  Changing the lives of these creatures but yet it was a continuous cycle over and over, never changing!  It was quite amazing. And this is all that I could see.  Just imagine the activity of marine life that goes unnoticed.  Thank god I didn’t see any sharks, but I know they are there.  No whales, crabs, clams, jelly fish, star fish just to name a few.

Aren’t we similar.  To most people when they peek into someone else's life, they see the surface.  No ripples.  But then we start to notice the little things, the imperfections, the things below the surface.  And just like with the dolphins and fish flopping, thats when we begin to see the real beauty of that person.  All of their little quirks and imperfections become what we love about that person.  God has made us all unique and individual.  He knew us in the womb, knows the hair on our head.  He knows our quirks, our abnormalities!  He created us.

Matthew 10:29-30(NIV)

29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.[a] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

I try to control every aspect of my life by making lists, making plans, following rules but I am reminded everyday that sometimes I am just like those grains of sand that flow in and flow out.  I can’t control it all. Sometimes there is a bigger picture.  Like the sand in the hour glass, my life sometimes goes up and down, turns over, same routine, same problems, same solutions.  But then once in a while I see the sand in a whole new setting, like the ocean, where the vastness takes the sand to a whole new level.  When I sit there so small and the ocean so big my problems seem small.  The answers are staring me right in the face.  I know what to do. I just have to do it.  I am not in control.  When I see that great big ocean I realize God is in control of it all.  Even when I feel it is out of control…He is controlling it.

Just like he cares for that little sparrow, he cares for me and every detail of my life.  He cares that I have the time to nourish 2 friendships that sometimes get put on a back burner because of family obligations or work.  He cares that I have time to make new memories with sisters that I rarely see.  He cares enough that He could make time for me to have a cup of coffee with a friend when we are headed in two different directions amidst two busy lives and schedules.  He sees the opportunity when we don’t. He sees the big picture.  We are like grains of sand flowing in and out. We can’t keep track of it all but God can.

Matthew 10:31 (NIV)

31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows

As the water washed over me I could feel all of lives heartaches and cares wash out to sea.  My body ached from the disease and it’s addiction to steroids; and every day as I decrease the prednisone I am reminded of my dependency on it.  But at that moment, the waters felt so healing both physically and emotionally.  There is just something about being at the beach that can take you away from life, away from worry, away from sadness, away from loss and yes away from grief.  If we let that tide that brings the sand also bring that healing water, we begin to heal.  It takes away the old brings in the new and all that sand begins to fill those tiny little crevices that have left holes in our hearts and soul.  They become scars where we once loved but lost.  Scars that remind us we loved deep and true.  Scars that remind us we loved once and yes we would love again. Do these scars disappear?  No!  But they do fade.  These same scars make us stronger, physically and emotionally.

Sunday,  August 3rd, is 2 years since I last saw the face of the one I carry in my heart now.  When I let my self think of this day there is no sand in that scar.  Its open and raw just as it was that day.  But then I remember all the love that was poured out to me and my kids.  That love was just like the sand, it came in and filled all the cracks of those scars.  It brought healing.  Of course I remember, but now I can have those memories without too many tears.  I can remember with laughter all the funny things that he did, and there were many!

Luke 6:21 (NIV)

21

Blessed are you who hunger now,

  for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are 

you who weep now,

  for you will laugh.

Whatever sadness, loss or grief you have in your life; cry!  Weep for what was let the wound be open.  But then you need to let the healing water flow over you and let the sand fill all the cracks of your scar.  Whether the healing water and sand be friends that want to help you or family that want to love you….just let them.  One day you will wake up and realize that your tears have turned to laughter.  You are having more days filled with memories that warm your heart instead of ripping it out.  Just like when you cut your finger, healing takes time.  I will not say time heals all wounds, but I can say for me, God has been merciful.  He has allowed me to feel it all; the sadness, the happiness, the tears, the smiles, even the laughter.  It doesn’t mean I feel or remember him less, it just means God has helped me, even carried me, through those hard days.  Does this mean I won’t have bad days when I am so sad because I miss my best friend? No, I will allow myself that!  But I thank God for lifting me up and pulling me up even when I felt like I couldn't be raised up. I am letting the love of God fill up the cracks in my heart!  And just like sand it is so abundant I can’t count it.  It flows over me just like the water at the ocean.

As I watched the sun come up from my balcony, it was so radiant upon the water.  I imagine that is what our heart and soul is like when we accept the love of Jesus and He shines upon us.  We can bask in the healing of his smile, shining radiantly in our life.   On Sunday I choose to remember Danny with smiles and laughter not with tears, that is what he told me before he died, “Don’t cry for me!”  I choose to continue to let that healing take place and to let that scar make me a kinder, more generous person!  I will get rid of any bitterness or resentment or anger in my life.  I will forgive others and I will apologize!  I choose to let the love of God wash over me and fill all those crevices with Gods sand!  I will treasure the relationships God has entrusted to me and I will not take them for granted.  I will be courageous!

And as long as I have breath, I will take pleasure in the smiles that warm me and in the hugs that always say “I love you”

Every day we are called to do small things with great love…

Mother Teresa