When I was 5 I remember going through my dad’s lunch box after work, it was always black from coal dirt but he always saved me a cake. When I was 10 I remember trying to cook for mommy and daddy, of course they loved it, or at least they said they did. I remember mommy watching for the school bus while I curled my hair, in high school! I remember sitting on the green porch in the glider with Danny, that was date night. I remember fixing up the little house at the intersection where we lived for 6 years. Not a lot of money, but we were rich; all fond memories. A lot of firsts. Then we had kids! Life changed, for the better. Lots of toys, busy schedules, new friends, old friends, lots of love, growing family. The 90s were busy, 1990-Emily, 1993-Tanner, 1999-Jacob. Jobs changed! Mommy and Daddy went from babysitting for my kids to my kids babysitting them. Their health failed, but not their love or support; not their spirit. I remember when I took Daddy to the doctor December 2009. He already knew what the doctors told him. Cancer. By March 2010 we said goodbye, but after loving someone for 70 years, how do you do that? As dementia took over the avenues of her mind, we slowly lost her too. Then in December 2010, she joined Daddy in Heaven.
3 years before, 2007, I remember waking up one day with a cold and earache. I was treated with antibiotics. Twice. Nothing helped. That turned into pneumonia and nothing they tried improved it. Bronchoscopes’, biopsies, referrals, all these finally gave me the answer I searched for. Auto-immune disease polymyositis with interstitial lung disease. That’s when I started relying on medicine more than Jesus! Being a nurse, I always thought of medicine first, faith second. With every new symptom I would take a new pill. Steroids were my friend. Somewhere along the road between the weight gain of > 100 pounds and becoming diabetic, cataract surgery, osteoporosis; all results of prednisone, steroids became my enemy! They were trying to kill me and were succeeding. Experimental chemotherapy was the last thing I tried, that was December 2010 right before Danny got sick and right after Mommy died. January 27, 2011 one cold winter night I remember Danny coming in from his woodshop and he showed me a pea sized lump right under his collar bone on his chest. I remember praying right then and there for God to take care of that! Of course Danny refused to see a doctor and that was his right! As the days grew longer the lump grew larger. By April it was the size of a softball. And the doctors all said the same thing, hematoma. Deep down I knew it was more. That’s when my faith began to take the place of medicine. The day of his biopsy I remember feeling nothing as the doctor told me it wasn’t what they expected. I felt numb. And for the next year and a half I continued to feel numb. I took the medicine to control the symptoms and I took care of Danny. I began to pray, but I wasn’t seeing my prayers answered. I prayed for his healing and I did not see his earthly healing of his body but he did receive his ultimate healing. God answered my prayers. I am still not sure of the answers He gave me, but I am learning. He kept me strong and healthy during his illness and what I wanted, Danny’s healing, was not His will. But He stayed with us through that trial and stays with me today. After Danny died I decided I had to do something or I was going to follow him. Medicine was not working for me so I decided to go all out with my faith. I knew it worked for Mommy and it would work for me too. I stopped first one drug then another and started weaning myself off of the prednisone. I remember one thing! I started to FEEL! I was sad, mad, depressed, everything all rolled up into one. The things I should have been feeling all along I was feeling now! And as bad as it felt, it felt good just to feel something, anything. I began to pray for God to make me healthy and strong and to give me a heart of Christ. I wanted people to see Jesus in me. That was my prayer.
Romans 15:13 (ESV)
13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
The Holy Spirit began to do a work inside of me. Yes, I was beginning to change on the outside, my hair was longer, I lost weight and I was getting healthy. My eating habits changed, I began to exercise and my prayer life was taking over MY life. When I walked, I prayed. I walked a lot, I prayed a lot. And God was answering my prayers. He was making me healthy. I looked into the mirror one day and I didn’t recognize myself. God had changed me on the inside as well as the outside. I was more forgiving, more compassionate, more loving. I was filled with the love of Christ and I wondered what had I been doing before now? I always thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing for God. But this sure made me question everything til now. Everything I do is different. The way I approach a problem, the way I approach an answer, and everything in between-I start with prayer. I ask God to lead me, go before me and show me the way.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV)
18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Tomorrow will be 3 years that started my true test of faith. Many prayers I have seen answered. Some I don’t understand and probably never will. God has a plan for my life, I don’t know what that is and I may never understand it but one thing is for sure it will glorify Christ! That’s what we are here for, to glorify Him. All this other stuff; jobs, love-relationships, homes; it is all temporary! In May 2013, I was healed of my disease. It has taken me this long to wean myself from prednisone but here I am. 1 ½ years after I prayed to God and He healed me. He answered my prayers. It has been 2 weeks since I took my last dose of prednisone and I can thank God for that. I thank Him for all of it. For my trials and my victories. He knows how it all ends. He sees the big picture. Our ultimate goal is to get to Heaven, to look upon His face to hear Him say well done. That’s what I want to hear! But we stumble, we lose site of the big picture. And I can tell you that today, I am feeling everything; mad, sad, angry, I feel it all. And I feel like I am stumbling along the way. I can’t see what is ahead of me. I know what’s at the end; I know I am going to Heaven. I know I am going to see mommy, daddy, Danny and the many other people who have gone on. But today, right now, I am mourning what was. Tomorrow is another day. Just because I stumble doesn’t mean my faith is gone. It doesn’t mean I have fallen. It means I lose my steps along this path called life and it means I need the love of Jesus. It means I need the comfort of His embrace.
2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (NIV)
Praise to the God of All Comfort
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
I remember….
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