Trust: Gods Will
Each person, individual, is unique. You are unique in your appearance. The way you smile, the way you cry, the way you may twitch your nose, your blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, one blue one green! But we are also unique in how we think, our though process is most often shaped by lives circumstances…I know mine has shaped the way I think. And many times, more than not, it is FEAR driven. sometimes I am scared to death to let myself be happy for fear that happiness will be snatched away from me. Is that living? Not to the fullest it isn’t! And did God create us, me, to live in a life of fear waiting for that next tragedy that is going to suck the happiness from my soul? No He did not but, in my mind, my thought process, this is how I perceive things!
I want to love again and I do. Everyday I thank God for sending love my way for that 2nd chance; This 2nd chapter of my life. Sometimes I find myself being normal like everyone else, enjoying life just because. And then somedays there are these little bumps in the road that to most people are just that…bumps! But to others who think a little different due to life’s circumstances, these bumps represent mountains that you have already climbed and on the other side it is not what you expected, not what you prayed for but you say well it must’ve been “Gods Will”. So then why pray?
God is going to do what God wants to do anyway, why should we wear ourselves out begging and pleading for what we know in the pit of our gut is not going to happen anyway. But we pray anyway….Because it’s what we do.
I prayed for Danny. Not just here and there but that continual prayer. I prayed for miracles-THE MIRACLE-healing. But did I believe it? In the pit of my gut? No, I didn’t. Does that make me a bad person? Is that why he wasn’t healed? Because my faith was not what it should’ve been? Trust me I have been down that road many times. I remember my sisters praying and they believed. But not me. Sometimes I blame that on the medical field knowledge-I knew what the odds were. I knew the pathology reports, but did I think God couldn’t beat the odds. Well, in my mind I knew He could, if He wanted. If it was “Gods Will”. Sometimes I just don’t understand His Will. But His ways are higher than ours. His thoughts higher than ours so should we even try? I don’t know. So after that miracle I prayed for didn’t happen, he died, I didn’t, at least not my body; I changed. I was once again unique-shaped by losing my best friend, my soulmate, my spouse. My heart was kind of ripped open for a while and as it began to heal I also started putting up these little fences and blockades around my heart, certain areas. Kind of like the walls of Jericho that Joshua marched around. Well, I didn’t march around these walls but I certainly have danced around them many times. Since death stopped at my house, invited himself in and left with part of my heart I have learned to love deeper, harder, stronger; but only where I decided. Only the walls that I decided… could come down.
Well, then here comes Michael and of course this is unexplored areas of my heart. Those walls are high, blockaded and barred. But I so wanted to love so I began to let a little light in through a gate here and there. Semi living life, still guarding the parts of the heart that gives completely for fear of that visitor, death, coming again. So in my mind I think I will just not give it all, gonna hold back a little. That way if anything happens to him like it did Danny, that part of my heart is still sheltered. Because I just don’t think I could do that again….Well, I could I guess, what choice would I have, but do I want to? NO! So therefore I build walls, create a distance, safe distance. Well how dies that make your mate feel? Well, lets just say for some, they throw their phone across the room! Others I’m sure are similar. Because in marriage you have to give of yourself completely or it just doesn’t work. And out of fewr you can do some pretty mean things, especially if you feel threatened. If those places in your heart you are guarding suddenly find themselves laid bare because the walls have crumbled, what then? You might get hurt? Yes, but you might also live and love like you have never lived or loved before all because of those same life circumstances. But now if I find myself in that position again, do I pray? Do I believe? Do I have the faith to pray for that miracle?
For the last month I have been getting these words from God, all about His Will. I long to be in the center of His Will but when it involves losing someone you love I just don’t know if I can pray for it. As I sat in the bleachers at the civic center at the Extraordinary Womens Conference I listened to Max Lucado talk about the Walls of Jericho and how we need to start tearing down our own walls. Then I listen as another told about losing her child after birth and how she couldn’t for the longest time pray for a miracle…because He didn’t come through the last time. He didn’t come through the way we thought He should. He came through according to His Will, not ours. His Will is not always the life we think we should have. His will is the path that we follow no matter where it leads. We have to trust, a simple 5 letter word, trust that God knows what He is doing; trust that He has a plan, Jeremiah 29:11; trust that the plan He has is in our best interest. While healing I felt like “yes” I was doing what God wanted me to do. I felt like I was in Gods will, but I also felt like I was in control… so as long as those two things lined up together? It’s all good. But then when I began to lose control but yet God is saying this is my will? What do I do with that? Lose control? Not really an option or at least in my mind anyway. So here I find myself at that crossroads again, pray for a miracle…but pray for Gods Will too. Yes, I am trusting that whatever God has planned is best for me. Trusting that when I pray for that miracle, God hears me and listens to my prayer. I know He hears me, He tells me to pray for that miracle, expect, believe and above all else trust Him! Trust Him with my most prized possessions…those that I love. Trust Him with the paths we travel, the paths he has already laid out and know that no matter what happens it will work out for my good!
Romans 8:28(KJV)
28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
1 John 2:17New International Version (NIV)
17 The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.
