Reflections

Reflecting is not a bad thing.  Now going to the past and dwelling there; that’s a different story.  God gives us memories for a reason.  Some to teach us a lesson;  to learn by.  Some are sad, some are funny, and some are just warm and fuzzy for no reason except to remember and reflect on life...that it was good.  Once upon a time life was warm and life was good.  Sometimes if I shut my eyes when I reflect I can smell things, I can feel little hands inside mine as I remember my kids at various ages in their life...now I hold those tiny hands in my heart where I can take them out and reflect, remember, and never forget.  As Emily prepares for her own adventures as a mother I so want to tell her to slow down and savor every moment!  Even morning sickness, not so pleasant now but one day will be a warm and fuzzy memory of a new life that grew out of love.  When I close my eyes I can feel the pain of the ones I have loved and lost, I can see the anguish on their face but I can also see the sweet release that came when they lost their fight here on earth and joined their heavenly father.  Now thats a warm and fuzzy!  And in the end, if we follow God as he commands we all will welcome that sweet release. 

  2 Corinthians 5:8   To be absent from the body...is to be present with the Lord!   

I guess it is the years end that brings on reflection.  A mark on the calendar; the end of the month of December-the end of the year.  Done with 2015, turn a page and there you have it, all new for 2016...January 1!  A new place to start all fresh and new.  No memories...all new territory.  That is how my life kind of feels like now.  As we put up our tree this year I left all the memories tucked in totes in the garage, we did all new ornaments, all new memories.  But then I realized I don’t want all of my memories in the garage.  So I found myself dragging piece by piece, one at a time, in the house.  Gentle reminders of a beautiful life where love overflowed at not only Christmas but all year long.  I found that you can’t hide those kind of memories away.  They exude out of you everywhere!  When you were-are- loved; people see it!  They feel it!  They know it!  It is almost contagious.  I know there is nothing here on earth that resembles the love Christ has for us, unless it is a mother's love, but when we know love, true love, real love...that’s when Christmas shines through.  That is what Christmas is to me...love.  A love that starts in the heart and gives, not expecting anything in return.  A love that does not question, it just is.  A love that sometimes may trickle a tear down the face just because your heart is so full there is no where else for it to go.  A love that lets you feel the pain and heartache of the one you love.  But to hold on to all the pain is not fair to you, it hinders the way you were meant to live, life to the fullest.  It also hinders the memory of the one you love.  They don’t want to be remembered for the pain that was in their life.  They will want to be remembered for their laughter, their love, they want their life remembered and cherished... not their death.  So as 2015 comes to a close remember this: 

Life is short-live it                                                                                                                                 Love is rare-grab it                                                                                                                             Anger is bad-dump it                                                                                                                            Fear is awful-face it                                                                                                                                Memories are sweet-cherish them                  ----------unknown   

John 3:16  For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Gods Will

Trust: Gods Will

Each person, individual, is unique.  You are unique in your appearance.  The way you smile, the way you cry, the way you may twitch your nose, your blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, one blue one green!  But we are also unique in how we think, our though process is most often shaped by lives circumstances…I know mine has shaped the way I think.  And many times, more than not, it is FEAR driven.  sometimes I am scared to death to let myself be happy for fear that happiness will be snatched away from me.  Is that living?  Not to the fullest it isn’t!  And did God create us, me, to live in a life of fear waiting for that next tragedy that is going to suck the happiness from my soul?  No He did not but, in my mind, my thought process, this is how I perceive things!

I want to love again and I do.  Everyday I thank God for sending love my way for that 2nd chance; This 2nd chapter of my life.  Sometimes I find myself being normal like everyone else, enjoying life just because.  And then somedays there are these little bumps in the road that to most people are just that…bumps!  But to others who think a little different due to life’s circumstances, these bumps represent mountains that you have already climbed and on the other side it is not what you expected, not what you prayed for but you say well it must’ve been “Gods Will”.  So then why pray?

God is going to do what God wants to do anyway, why should we wear ourselves out begging and pleading for what we know in the pit of our gut is not going to happen anyway.  But we pray anyway….Because it’s what we do.

I prayed for Danny.  Not just here and there but that continual prayer.  I prayed for miracles-THE MIRACLE-healing.  But did I believe it?  In the pit of my gut?  No, I didn’t.  Does that make me a bad person?  Is that why he wasn’t healed?  Because my faith was not what it should’ve been?  Trust me I have been down that road many times.  I remember my sisters praying and they believed.  But not me.  Sometimes I blame that on the medical field knowledge-I knew what the odds were.  I knew the pathology reports, but did I think God couldn’t beat the odds.  Well, in my mind I knew He could, if He wanted.  If it was “Gods Will”.  Sometimes I just don’t understand His Will.  But His ways are higher than ours.  His thoughts higher than ours so should we even try?  I don’t know.  So after that miracle I prayed for didn’t happen, he died, I didn’t, at least not my body; I changed.  I was once again unique-shaped by losing my best friend, my soulmate, my spouse.  My heart was kind of ripped open for a while and as it began to heal I also started putting up these little fences and blockades around my heart, certain areas.  Kind of like the walls of Jericho that Joshua marched around.  Well, I didn’t march around these walls but I certainly have danced around them many times.  Since death stopped at my house, invited himself in and left with part of my heart I have learned to love deeper, harder, stronger; but only where I decided.  Only the walls that I decided… could come down.

Well, then here comes Michael and of course this is unexplored areas of my heart.  Those walls are high, blockaded and barred.  But I so wanted to love so I began to let a little light in through a gate here and there.  Semi living life, still guarding the parts of the heart that gives completely for fear of that visitor, death, coming again.  So in my mind I think I will just not give it all, gonna hold back a little.  That way if anything happens to him like it did Danny, that part of my heart is still sheltered.  Because I just don’t think I could do that again….Well, I could I guess, what choice would I have, but do I want to?  NO!  So therefore I build walls, create a distance, safe distance.  Well how dies that make your mate feel?  Well, lets just say for some, they throw their phone across the room!  Others I’m sure are similar.  Because in marriage you have to give of yourself completely or it just doesn’t work.  And out of fewr you can do some pretty mean things, especially if you feel threatened.  If those places in your heart you are guarding suddenly find themselves laid bare because the walls have crumbled, what then?  You might get hurt?  Yes, but you might also live and love like you have never lived or loved before all because of those same life circumstances.  But now if I find myself in that position again, do I pray?  Do I believe?  Do I have the faith to pray for that miracle?

For the last month I have been getting these words from God, all about His Will.  I long to be in the center of His Will but when it involves losing someone you love I just don’t know if I can pray for it.  As I sat in the bleachers at the civic center at the Extraordinary Womens Conference I listened to Max Lucado talk about the Walls of Jericho and how we need to start tearing down our own walls.  Then I listen as another told about losing her child after birth and how she couldn’t for the longest time pray for a miracle…because He didn’t come through the last time.  He didn’t come through the way we thought He should.  He came through according to His Will, not ours.  His Will is not always the life we think we should have.  His will is the path that we follow no matter where it leads.  We have to trust, a simple 5 letter word, trust that God knows what He is doing; trust that He has a plan, Jeremiah 29:11; trust that the plan He has is in our best interest.  While healing I felt like “yes” I was doing what God wanted me to do.  I felt like I was in Gods will, but I also felt like I was in control… so as long as those two things lined up together?  It’s all good.  But then when I began to lose control but yet God is saying this is my will?  What do I do with that?  Lose control?  Not really an option or at least in my mind anyway.  So here I find myself at that crossroads again, pray for a miracle…but pray for Gods Will too.  Yes, I am trusting that whatever God has planned is best for me.  Trusting that when I pray for that miracle, God hears me and listens to my  prayer.  I know He hears me, He tells me to pray for that miracle, expect, believe and above all else trust Him!  Trust Him with my most prized possessions…those that I love.  Trust Him with the paths we travel, the paths he has already laid out and know that no matter what happens it will work out for my good!

Romans 8:28(KJV)

28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

1 John 2:17New International Version (NIV)

17 The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Frozen

Frozen

Wintertime.  It’s depressing.  It’s cold.  It’s inconvenient.  It’s expensive.  Expenses like your heat bill, increased gas bill because you start your car early and let it run every chance you get.  Snow tires, snow boots, snow coats…bundle and layer, everything!  I enjoy winter for about 1 week and thats it.  I’m done with it.  I look out on a winters evening at 5pm and darkness is all I see.  The only thing I think of is, SPRING has got to be there around the corner somewhere!  Dead flowers, dead trees just waiting to bloom underneath that snow and ice.  Yesterday evening as I left work the roads were crunchy underneath the tires.  The roads looked very slick, but I didn’t slip a tire all the way home.  Under all the crunchy as my tires dug into the snow on the road I could see where the salt trucks had been out to do their job.  And it worked.  My first inclination was to hurry home so I didn’t get stuck in the muck of winter.  But to my surprise it was more like an adventure.  I actually got to stop and visit with 3 friends and neighbors before I reached my final destination.

2 Corinthians 7:1(NIV)

7 Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.

Sometimes I think our spiritual walk is like an adventure.  Just like my drive home.  We are all sinful creatures, born that way!  Jesus makes it so easy to clean up our streets, He sprinkles our sinful paths with cinders called “the Bible”.  He gives us scripture for everything that we go through.  All we have to do is call upon his name.

Romans 10:9(NIV)

9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

As I travel my journey, walk my walk, side by side with Jesus holding my hand I have encountered many roadblocks.  Sometimes I can easily re route but then there are those times I have to stand and fight.  I have to stay in the battle.  I have to face my giants.  Many times those giants are physical but other times they are in my own mind.  Either way they are real to me.  Giants are like fear.  Fear is real!  What scares one may not scare someone else but that doesn’t make it any less.  

1 Samuel 17:47N(NIV)

47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.

Discouragement is one of the biggest giants I face.  In a broken sinful world it is so easy to become discouraged.   We are always looking out for number 1.  Advertisements are geared to keep everything centered on “me”.  It’s all about “me”!  We forget to check on our neighbor.  Instead we sit at home and wonder why no one is checking on me!  Extend a hand when you can.  Offer a smile even when you don’t feel like it.  It will make your day brighter.

Psalm 16:9(NKJV)

9 

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;

My flesh also will rest in hope.

In our many adventures of life whether they be small evening trips trying to get home from work or maybe it’s the bigger adventures of life that God has entrusted us with.  Perhaps a chronic illness, death of a loved one, a special needs child, divorce, there are so many paths that we travel and God uses each one of us as we journey.  We have the opportunity to tell others how he remains faithful to us during our lowest and during the darkest hours!  Our God today is the same God who kept his promises to Sarah and Abraham.

Hebrews 11:11 (NKJV)

11 By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised.

He has given us so many promises down through the ages.  Promises we have seen come to pass.  I can't write about Gods promises to me without this scripture.

Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I think of so many broken dreams He has, is, and will restore, and that’s just for me.  And what He will do for me…He will do for you.  He is no respecter of persons.  We are all his children.  I long for the day when I can sit at his feet and look upon his face.  To see his eyes.  There are so many pictures of Jesus but it’s always the eyes that captivate me.  To see the love in those eyes, just for me.  It’s hard to imagine, because I feel so unworthy.  I never do enough to measure up.  Always messing up.  But just as I was reminded this morning in our sermon, it’s all about grace.  Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord…Genesis 6:8

There it is with the eyes again.  Maybe that’s what I long to see.  Grace.  Mercy.  Love.  All of that when He looks at me.  Promises.  He delights in keeping his promises to us.  God is faithful.

1 John 1:9(NIV)

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I was reminded today, after finding a letter tucked in the pages of my journal, that when we look into the eyes of a 5 year old we can see Jesus.  Jesus is also there in a friends tears as they grieve; a friends smile as they deal with pain every day; He is there in your ordinary day as strangers offer you a helping hand, as friends offer you a hug to help the hurt.

Lamentations 5:21 (NIV)

21 

Restore us to yourself, Lord, that we may return;

    renew our days as of old

Psalm 118:6(NIV)

6 

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

    What can mere mortals do to me?

As we muddle through life it is hard to keep our eyes on Jesus!  Sometimes I feel like that storm is raging and I am walking on the water just like Peter, and I , just for an instant, take my eyes off of Him.  Thats all it takes.  I sink deep, deeper until I can’t find my way.  I always feel like as I am walking there is a force against me.  Trying to suck me in and under.  Sometimes it wins.  That’s how I feel.  Tired.  I am tired of fighting the force.  My body is tired.  My mind is tired.  I’m tired of the physical demons that invade my life on a daily basis.  I know that Jesus is there, I know he holds my todays, my tomorrows and I can look back on my life and say yes, he even had my yesterdays.  But that doesn’t change anything.  I have been running away for so long always trying to stay ahead, even if by just one step, but I slowed down, took my eyes off of the prize and now I find myself lost unable to dig my way out.  I feel like I am at the bottom of all this snow we have and there is 3 foot on top and more predicted.

Psalm 16:11(NIV)

11 

You make known to me the path of life;

    you will fill me with joy in your presence,

    with eternal pleasures at your right hand

I don’t even put out my hand for someone to grab.  I don’t try to climb out of the pit I find myself in.  I just become numb to all of my surroundings and slowly but surely I freeze.  At first it’s painful and then the longer I stay there the more frozen I become.  And as I freeze, I begin to go numb.  The tears no longer come.  I no longer feel.  At first it feels good, almost a relief.  But it’s hard to show compassion when you are numb yourself.  When you no longer feel, it is hard to feel for another.  And while I enjoy the pain being relieved I begin to miss the tears.  I miss the warmth of them as they slid down my face.  I miss the salty flavor as they ran in my mouth.  I miss the release my heart felt the minute my eyes would overflow.  Life is a vicious cycle.  We are born, we live, we laugh, we cry, we love, we die…and we do it over and over again.  But right now I am stuck just like an instant replay only it is in slow motion and I feel like I die over and over and over again.  I am not living, not laughing, not even crying…I still love….Always love.

Psalm 130:5 (NIV)

5 

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,

    and in his word I put my hope.

And yes, I wait…sometimes not so patiently.

Psalm 37:7(NIV)

7 

Be still before the Lord

    and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

    when they carry out their wicked schemes.

I have tried to cut myself off from everyone and everything while I am “still” but that just makes me depressed.  Thankfully I have friends that care not only about me but FOR me!

Philippians 2:4 (NIV)

4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Friends are like the fist that breaks through the ice to reach in and take my hand.  They try to pull me upwards out of the icy tomb that I have made for myself but it is hard to hold on to!

Psalm 28:7 (NIV)

7 

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

    my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

    and with my song I praise him.

That strength is the only thing that will pull me out.  I have had it in my grasp and have felt the warmth of His love and oh how I long to feel that again.

Psalm 67:1 (NIV)

1 

May God be gracious to us and bless us

    and make his face shine on us

When I am in his presence I can feel all the chains fall away.  The chains of depression, of illness, grief, pain, disappointment; all the hurts of this life.  I can feel them melt away as I gaze upon the face of Jesus.  When I shut my eyes and say the name of Jesus I can see His eyes.  The same eyes that looked at Peter after he denied him for the 3rd time.  I am sure those eyes were filled with compassion, forgiveness, and love.  The same way He looks at you and me.  Never judgmental.  Always gentle.

Psalm 143:8(NIV)

8 

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

    for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

    for to you I entrust my life.

As I walked today, the sun shining on my face. I prayed.  The same prayer I have prayed many times.  Give me a heart like yours Lord!  And as I look around at all the snow drifts piled high I see they are melting, very slowly, but they are smaller.  It’s the same way in my heart.  As I pray that prayer, I start to feel a little of that thaw take place inside of me.  I can feel a little of that anxiety ebb away ever so slowly, just like the trickling of water at the bottom of those snow piles.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10(NIV)

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I was talking with a friend and as I complained of the darkness I was in, he reminded me that without darkness there could be no light.  Without our dark moments, our weaknesses, God cannot do His greatest work, for that is when He is strong.  Do I like being depressed?  No!  Nor do I like being weak!  But until you have been so down that there is no where else to go, you can’t know what an amazing feeling it is to be lifted up by the Great I Am. To feel your heavenly father who has been walking by your side and holding your hand, lift you up and carry you…it is the greatest feeling.  That is the feeling that I long for.  To feel the comfort and love that only He gives.  He never promised it would be easy, he never promised we wouldn’t have trials; but what he did promise is that He would be there to love us through it.  Walk with us, lead our steps and yes carry us if needed.  He has done that for me and when we are on that mountain top we tend to forget until we are back in that valley.  But I am reminded today to keep shining that light that sometimes is so hard to do in the dark. 

Isaiah 60:1(NIV)

60 

“Arise, shine, for your light has come,

    and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.

We have to rise up, no matter what darkness we are in.  Whether we are in a pit alone with our own demons or if we are surrounded by friends or even strangers.  When we are there in the darkness all of our problems are right there with us.  Not until we let the light of Jesus in can we begin to feel any relief.  Sometimes it’s even hard to let go of them.  We hold on to them as tight as we can.  They have shaped us, made us who we are.  Maybe they even act as a crutch.  We have blamed our life and the way it has turned out on our problems, whether we like it or not.  So when Jesus starts to shine and we feel our problems slip from our grasp it’s hard sometimes to not grab them back because then what do we blame our mess ups on?

Job 12:22 (NIV)

22 

He reveals the deep things of darkness

    and brings utter darkness into the light.

I need to let that light in and I need to let it shine over me, through me, inside of me.  It’s like sunshine on a rainy day.

Proverbs 4:18 (NIV)

18 

The path of the righteous is like the morning sun,

    shining ever brighter till the full light of day.

For me, for you, for anyone who has ever been down, depressed, sad, sick, grieved; it doesn’t matter what…it’s the WHO!  Tonight as I struggled and felt lost and even alone I slipped away.  I wanted to find that quiet place where I could be in the presence of Jesus.  Just us!  And there I was,  I didn’t know what to pray or what to say but it didn’t matter.  When I said his name and raise my hand to reach for him I knew He not only took my hand, He had it all along.  I just had to speak his name.  He wants to give us that PEACE we so crave.  That love we so desire and that hope of tomorrow where all our troubles and trials are washed away, there is only Jesus.  We will be healed of all our diseases our body and mind will be made whole.

Jeremiah 33:6 (NIV)

6 “‘Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.

I still have so far to go.  Every day is a struggle.  But I know who holds my tomorrows, and yes, sometimes I need reminded.  Life isn’t easy, but is it worth it?  You bet it is!  The treasures God has given us while we are here; family, friends, relationships, these are all gifts from God.

Luke 1:37(NKJV)

37 For with God nothing will be impossible.”

During our darkest times as we stumble through life, which in my case means many days I want to stay in bed with the cover over my head, we have to remember there are those on the other side of those covers that love us.  They worry about us and care what happens to us.  I thank God I have friends that will pester me to come out of my shell when I want to be a hermit.  I hope that I can be that same kind of friend, loving caring and a nuisance when I need to be.  Remember this, when you are withdrawing from society and retreating into your own shell, when you are ready to crawl into that hole and you get ready to pull the hole in after you…remember to take Jesus there with you.  Because I guarantee you there is a purpose for your depression.  There is purpose for your grief, your sadness, your pain. God not only has a purpose He has a plan.  And it is perfect.  So in the midst of your darkness wherever you are in it, smile just once…just a little.  And I know the light of Jesus Christ will shine through all of your brokenness and cracks that you and I try to hide.  Those rays of light will be your greatest blessing to someone else.  Let God melt the frozen, flavor the bitter and most of all let him shine in your darkness.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8(NKJV)

Everything Has Its Time

3 

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

2 

A time to be born,

    And a time to die;

A time to plant,

    And a time to pluck what is planted;

3 

A time to kill,

    And a time to heal;

A time to break down,

    And a time to build up;

4 

A time to weep,

    And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

    And a time to dance;

5 

A time to cast away stones,

    And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace,

    And a time to refrain from embracing;

6 

A time to gain,

    And a time to lose;

A time to keep,

    And a time to throw away;

7 

A time to tear,

    And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence,

    And a time to speak;

8 

A time to love,

    And a time to hate;

A time of war,

    And a time of peace.

Happy Valentines Day

Promised land quartet March 1st

Day 1

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, (Philippians 2:3 NIV)

Familiar

Familiar

I have asked this question many times.  When you pray do you expect an answer?  Do you act surprised when you get what you ask for?  I am neither surprised that He is answering my prayer or that He is giving me what I asked!  But I guess I am surprised that it is coming so quickly.  I asked to “feel” Danny’s presence, which I did.  Christmas Day!  But as God so often does, He goes beyond that!  Beyond what we could imagine.

Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

As I write these words, I am searching for answers.  I don’t know what the answer is but I am hoping by the time I finish writing this, there will be a revelation.

When Teresa and Steve found Danny's bible it brought back so many memories.  But not only memories!  If I let my imagination take me to a little boy about 11 years old who just had open heart surgery and was facing the scariest thing he had ever known, I imagine all kinds of things.  I see him holding that bible in his hands and reading the same passages that I read.  Wondering, God, why did you save my life when there are so many others?  What could you do with this life of a little boy?

Proverbs 3:6  Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take

I imagine he read and re-read this verse while trying to find the will of God for his life.  Danny’s faith often sustained me and carried me over many hurdles.  Not until these last 2 years have I had to find my own faith.  I don’t like how I got here, but the view is wonderful, seeing all he had done for me and is doing and I know his promises for me, so I know He holds my future in His hands.  I am sure Danny must’ve read my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11, many times as he searched this little bible looking for the answers.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, plans not to harm you but for a hope and a future

As I fingered the pages, the same pages Danny fingered, I searched each page for answers.  And there nestled snugly in between the verses are marks upon the pages.  Marks that highlight scripture that was special to him.  Words that answered his questions.  Words that spoke to his heart perhaps 40 years ago in answer to his questions are now highlighted to answer my questions.  God, what are you trying to tell me?  What is Danny trying to tell me?

Romans 1:11  For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you

Luke 2:40  And the child grew and became strong, filled with wisdom and the favor of God was upon him.

As God gives me words to write, they come at the oddest of times.  Sometimes it is only a sentence at a time.  Often only a word!  And they may be days apart.  So a note that starts one day may end a couple weeks later.  Today as I write, it just so happens that I am at church; just came to talk to Jesus.   I can talk to him anywhere but sometimes I can hear him better there.  I am trying to listen with my ears, my eyes, my soul.  This morning after I woke up I began to pray and as I did I felt a presence in my room.  It was such a strong feeling that I opened my eyes to see if it was one of the kids.  I don’t know how to describe it but it wasn’t a physical thing that I could see.  After I was sure it wasn’t “somebody” I resumed my prayers and it was gone when I finished praying.  I don’t believe it was an angel…I believe it was Danny.  I have felt and “seen” his presence once before.  That time I was grieving and nothing could comfort me…but that did.  I haven’t had an experience since then like that.  This morning it wasn’t to comfort it was a familiar presence.  Yet it was a comfortable presence.  Almost like I had invited a friend over for tea.  A friend that felt at home enough to come on in and sit on the edge of the bed.  Danny was a perfectionist.  If you have seen any of his woodworking projects you know he pays attention to details.  He doesn’t cut corners, or he didn’t, I guess I should say.  So I am a little confused but not surprised by what I write next.  When I saw him this morning, he had a 6’ level with him.   A couple of weeks ago I had the pleasure of sharing some of his beloved tools with a friend who takes as much pride in his work as Danny did.  While he was going through my garage, hanging above the garage door was a 6’ level.  To my knowledge I never saw him use that.  Tanner who was there as well, said the same thing. So this was an easy item to part with.  No matter what he was hanging or building, he made sure it was square and level.  He not only had one of these kind of tools but multiple ones.  So in my mind, and my heart, if he comes to visit me why would it surprise me if he brought a level?  No surprise but confusion.  And once again I am trying to put these pieces together to get an answer. So here I sit at the foot of the cross, literally I sit at the foot of the cross at my church trying to figure this out.  I ask God what does this mean?  So back to that little bible that Danny held in his hands and I have opened it and here is the verse that speaks to me.  

Proverbs 147:3  He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds

My, O my, how many times I have read that not only for me, but also quoted it to friends that have lost loved ones.

Proverbs 9:1a Wisdom hath builded her house.

And to build a house you would use a level!  As I search his bible, scriptures are popping out at me as if I can hear Danny say them!  I know the level has meaning but what?  I opened the pages as if God was guiding my hand.  It fell upon this scripture. As I read it I thought this is it.  It speaks of weights and measures.

Leviticus 19:35-36 (KJV)

35 Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment, in meteyard, in weight, or in measure.

36 Just balances, just weights, a just ephah, and a just hin, shall ye have: I am the Lord your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt.

But then as I scanned the page this verse caught my attention because as I described that presence as being familiar, this verse was speaking of familiar spirits.  

Leviticus 19:31(KJV)

31 Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the Lord your God.

Isaiah 8:19 (KJV)

19 And when they shall say unto you, Seek unto them that have familiar spirits, and unto wizards that peep, and that mutter: should not a people seek unto their God? for the living to the dead?

As I read, it led me from verse to verse about those familiar spirits.  I won’t lie, the more I read, it made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.  I was at church and my phone was dead so I came home and do what I always do when I need an answer, besides pray and read the bible, I googled it.  And there on google were 2,720,000 pages devoted to familiar spirits.  As I read and re-read each page they all confirmed what I knew in my gut.  Right there in Merriam-Webster dictionary; familiar spirit is a demon that serves or prompts an individual.

I don’t want to bring Danny back, don’t get me wrong, I want to be with him, but not here in this broken world, where people hurt people, neighbors killing neighbors, brothers hating brothers.  I want us to be together in Heaven and one day that will happen.  So if I can occasionally feel his presence here on earth just to help guide my footsteps is that wrong?  Well the longer and more I read that last statement, Danny guide my footsteps, I knew I was turning to the wrong one.  Truth be known and this is anyone that knows me, I never listened to Danny while he was here on earth.  He would tell me something and I would do the exact opposite.  I tend to believe I inherited that from the Treadway's but Daddy always said we were hard headed like Mommy!  I would take that as a compliment!  Hard headed for Jesus, that would make a good bracelet!  I know I need to ask the Holy Spirit to guide my life.  But there is something that feels right when 2 people have a vision in life not only for your path but for your children's path.  So when one is taken and the other is left its’s easy to lose your way.  So I often ask myself, if Danny were here what would he say.  What would he do in this situation.  And that is exactly what I have done up until Christmas. As time has passed I pull out my memories and pictures and there is a part of me that is afraid I am going to forget him.  I am afraid I will forget his touch, his smile, his smell, his eyes, his wisdom, his spirit.  So I guess around Christmas I changed my thoughts asking what would he do or say to I want to hear from him to help me make these decisions, instead of turning it over to God.

How many believe the devil is real?  I have seen evil.  I have felt evil.  When I did, I knew it for what it was and I removed myself.  I can’t say that I have ever felt in danger from this.  I was trying to remember sermons I have heard as a child growing up.   Sermons like repent or die and go to hell.  Well I didn’t want to go to hell so I was scared to death and went right away to that altar.  Then later the sermons are all about Gods love.  He loves you no matter what you do.  He is always there for you and He IS!  Don’t get me wrong both types of sermons are great.  But somewhere along the way I have missed sermons about the devil and his little demons that are as real as the Holy Spirit.  And if you have never experienced the Holy Spirit all I can say is I’m sorry.  Unfortunately you have never until you experience something so devastating that you have no one to turn to except for Jesus.  Then my friend, you won’t let that spirit go.  You will call upon Him for every decision, even wardrobe issues!

The one thing that nagged me about this whole presence thing is that I felt confused.  Yes it felt familiar, comfortable even,like Danny but as I prayed about this I felt one thing, confusion.  I didn’t feel peace, again, familiar and comfortable, but no peace…just confusion.

1 Corinthians 14:33King James Version (KJV)

33 For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

When I opened my eyes and “saw” this presence in my bedroom it startled me at first then, the best way to describe it, is it was almost sneaking.  Only then, after I saw the familiar tool did it feel comfortable.

In my walk with Jesus, my christian walk, it has been very uneventful, well up until the last 2 years.  37 years I have walked…and He has walked with me.  In the beginning it was like any relationship; fresh, new, exciting.  Then as I got busy with life, marriage, work, children, I began to do Him just like we as humans do each other.  I took Him for granted.  Never called upon Him unless I needed something.   Not that I am proud of it, but truthful.  And just like our human relationships, we didn’t grow together.  He never left me, we just didn’t walk as close.  Danny was always there for me; my comforter, my advisor, my best friend, my rock and my strength, my protector, he was my heart.  But Jesus walked with us, it’s just that I rarely had to call upon Him in that capacity.   And as I hold his bible in my hands, that same bible that he held in his not once but twice as he faced death not knowing what God had planned for him, I know where he had to get his strength.  Jesus was his comforter, his rock and strength, his best friend, his advisor.  In all of our life together I remember him telling me so many details of his life, illnesses, surgeries  but I don’t remember him ever telling me what it was like in his darkest hour.  How alone he must’ve felt and how he had no one to turn to but God.   He was always very independent.  Always worked things out by himself or rather he worked it out with God before he ever brought it to me.  I would draw my strength from him and he was getting his from God, his strong tower!  The same as when I went to Mommy with problems.  She drew her strength from Jesus I drew my strength from her.  For the last 2 years I have been learning a whole new way of life, in every aspect.  From ordinary day to day tasks to trying to figure out my faith and relationship with Christ.  The things that the Holy Spirit wants to show us all amazes me every time.  If you are a born again christian then all you have to do is believe and have faith and he will show you great and wondrous things.

Ephesians 3:9(KJV)

9 And to make all men see what is the fellowship of the mystery, which from the beginning of the world hath been hid in God, who created all things by Jesus Christ:

Mystery.  I don’t even know how to define that word.  But in Danny's bible this verse is marked.

Life is mysterious.  Death is mysterious.  Something about the unknown that attracts the interest of others.  Is that why so many “dabble” in the dark arts or witchcraft?  So many think of it as innocent or not real.  But I am here to tell you, Saturday morning as I saw that presence and then later that night when I realized what it was, I was never so afraid.  It wasn’t a physical fear but a deep soul searching fear.  I was more afraid right then than I was the day I discovered someone had broken into my home.  I am sure had I been there and looked them in the face I would have seen evil.  But this was evil in its raw form, “seeking whom he may devour, wandering to and fro”.

1 Peter 5:8(KJV)

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

Instead of a roaring lion it reminded me of a sneak attack, skulking around hoping to not get caught. Anything in our lives that is sinful you will notice you try to sneak around and do it.  You hide it.  Thats because it is of the devil. Trust me if God gives you something it will be good and perfect and you will want to shout it from the roof tops.  Just look at when a new baby comes into the world.  That is the greatest little miracle I can think of and everyone wants to tell of Gods great gift to them.  They point out every little perfect detail, even down to the fingers and toes.  From the moment that miracle in conceived, that precious baby is perfect.  Even if on the outside we may  perceive imperfections, God has plans for every little finger, every little toe, every little hair…God created you and me for a purpose!  Sometimes that purpose isn’t so obvious to us.  Others can see our purpose more easily than we can.  “Stuff” gets in our way, our vision becomes cloudy, the road we thought was perfect for us, maybe we even thought it was Gods plan for us, that road becomes blocked or becomes hard to travel, so we often cry out in despair.

Psalm 22:1(KJV)

22 My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?

He never forsakes us.  Never.  I opened Danny's little bible today at random  and as I look at the scripture it fell upon I am reminded that nothing is random with God.  Just like us, everything has a purpose.  

Psalm 23(KJV)

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

The 23rd Psalm is the scripture that brings my memories alive today.  I am sure Danny thought the road he traveled had meaning and purpose, but at times he must’ve questioned it although I never knew it if he did.  I do know he became weary.  The Thursday night he climbed into bed before he died on Friday, was one of those times.  He rarely told me he was afraid, but this night he was afraid and the fear came from his inability to recall that scripture.  He told me he couldn’t remember how to start it and it was his comfort scripture.  He was walking in the valley of the shadow of death and he was there in those shadows and he needed to know that God was there with him.  I started it and he joined me saying the words and I could see the peace that came across his face.  So I know he doesn’t forsake us.  As I remember that night now, his fear left him, he had to sit up in bed to breathe, but he slept.  He was comforted.  

Hebrews 9:27 (KJV)

27 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:

He is there in our every moments!  Moments we don’t think He cares or moments that don’t seem like they have purpose.  But they do!  Our weak moments, our scared moments, our sad moments, our happy moments.  We breathe in and out, in and out, God is there.  The Holy Spirit is with us even when we are walking in the valley of the shadow of death.  For no matter what evil shadows us, we are always in the shadow of our Heavenly Father.  Sometimes, like on Saturday night, as I wrote about the evil I have no doubt was sneaking around; I was sitting in the the shadow of the cross.  The only way I know to get rid of shadows is to add light.  Jesus is that light.  He is the brightest light any of us have.  It doesn’t have a battery, no solar panel, no plug in to power.  All you have to do is call upon Him and He is there.

Matthew 5:14 (KJV)

14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

We kind of run on a generator type source of power.  We are fueled by Jesus Christ.  That Holy Spirit fills us up til we run over lighting up the world one good deed at a time.  No matter what the devil throws at us, we can overcome it.  The devil may come at us disguised as a friend, maybe even someone in your congregation, or perhaps a little more recognizable in the face of your enemy.  He may throw up roadblocks along your christian walk.  He will stop at nothing to throw(steer) you off course; drugs, alcohol, lies, deceit, addictions, anything to take your eyes off of christ, sometimes it only takes a whisper.  Or maybe like me, he will take your fondest memory of the one you loved the most and distort everything until you know and feel nothing but confusion.  Just because something feels or looks familiar, comfortable, doesn't mean it is right.  The one thing I have learned, I guess my revelation, in all this encounter is to pray about it, search out the bible for the answers.   Go to God first and foremost for the answers.  Don’t ask your best friend, don’t ask your spouse, dead or alive, don’t even ask your pastor or deacon.  Go to God in prayer, take your confusion, your questions, your dreams; He will give you the answers!  Just like He guided my hands on the pages of Danny’s little bible, He will answer all your questions.  Let Him be your “familiar”!

Hebrews 4:12 (KJV)

12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

The Word is alive!